Sue Ellen's Lost Diary/Transcript

[Arthur is laying in bed.]

ARTHUR: Look deep into my eyes, and I will read your mind. [camera zooms in on Arthur's eyes as they start to become a swirling pattern. Deeper. Deeper. [returns to normal. Arthur sits up.] A-ha! I know what you're thinking! You want the show to start. Okay, so maybe I can't read minds. But what if I could? What if I knew exactly what people were thinking? [walks to D.W.'s room] I wonder what's going on in D.W.'s head. [reads D.W.'s mind]

D.W.: [holding a doll-sized version of Arthur] I'll put you in one of my dollie's dresses, and then we'll play house!

ARTHUR: Help me! Help me! [back to reality. Arthur gasps.] Uh, maybe I don't want to know what's going on in her head. [encounters Pal in the hall. Pal barks.] Hey! I'll see what Pal's thinking! [reads Pal's mind. Pal is thinking of food, accompanied by licking sounds] I think I could've guessed that. [goes into the living room, where David and Jane are on the couch watching TV.] Mom and Dad! Now this should be interesting. [attempts to read their mind, but David notices Arthur.]

DAVID: Arthur, what are you doing up? It's way past your bedtime.

ARTHUR: Oh, sorry. I was just wondering what you were thinking.

JANE: Really? [to David] Honey, let's think the same thing and see if Arthur can guess what it is. [they both start thinking]

ARTHUR: Alright, I'm going to bed. I think I like not knowing what people are thinking better.

[The title card shows.]

FRANCINE: Sue Ellen's Lost Diary.

[Pal comes on screen and howls. Cut to inside the library, where Sue Ellen is writing in her diary. She finishes and closes the book, revealing the cover, which is "Private" written in different languages. Sue Ellen gets up and walks over to the library check out line. As she is doing this, her diary becomes loose from the books she is holding and falls. Cut to Mrs. Turner at the check out area.]

MRS. TURNER: I see someone's going to be reading a lot this week. [Sue Ellen gives a book to Mrs. Turner, realizing her diary is missing.]but

SUE ELLEN: Wait a minute. I think I forgot something! [runs back to where her diary fell. She starts looking for it.] [gasps] Oh, no! [looks under a table] I must've left it here! It couldn't have just walked away! [cut to Francine reading and laughing at a yellow book. Sue Ellen sees her and mistakes the book she is reading for her diary.] Oh, no! Pretty funny, huh?

FRANCINE: Hey, Sue Ellen. Yeah, this is really funny. Listen to this!

SUE ELLEN: I know what's in it, I wrote it! And there's nothing funny about [takes the book from Francine] stealing someone's- [realizes it's not her diary] Diary? Hey, this isn't my diary, it's a joke book!

FRANCINE: What would I be doing with your diary?

SUE ELLEN: Well, it's gone, and someone has it! They're probably reading it right now...

FRANCINE: Hmm... [at Muffy's house] And she seemed really upset. Why is Sue Ellen worried that I'd read her diary?

MUFFY: Maybe there was something in it about you.

FRANCINE: About me? What would she write about me?

MUFFY: Maybe she wrote all about the mean things you've done to her. Like when you pushed her in the mud yesterday. [in a flashback, Sue Ellen falls into a puddle of mud, while Francine runs away laughing. Sue Ellen gets her diary out.]

SUE ELLEN: [writing] Day 162. Francine is getting meaner and meaner. I think it's time I got her some help.

FRANCINE: But I didn't push her, she tripped.

MUFFY: Oh, I know. But maybe she thinks you did. [dream sequence. Sue Ellen is talking to Dr. Zimmer.]

SUE ELLEN: I came to you, Dr. Zimmer, because you're the world's leading specialist in mean children.

DR. ZIMMER: I'm afraid your friend exhibits all the signs of acute ogreism.

SUE ELLEN: Ogreism, Dr. Zimmer?

DR. ZIMMER: [presses a button which starts a film projector] A disease in which the victim cannot control being mean. [pointing to characters in the film] Notice the bossiness, and the pushing. [A boy is pushed into the mud]

SUE ELLEN:  That's just like Francine!

DR. ZIMMER: [stops the projector] Then I am afraid there is no help for her. We must keep her away from the other children! [picks a phone up. In another dream sequence, Francine is now playing Go Fish with two adults.]

FRANCINE: But why can't I play with my friends?

FEMALE ADULT RABBIT: Sorry, Miss Frensky, but ogreism is very contagious.

MALE ADULT RABBIT: Besides, they probably don't want to play with you. You'll only be mean to them. Go fish!

FRANCINE: But I'm not that mean. Really, I'm not, I swear! [back to reality] And I don't have ogreism.

MUFFY: You don't have what?

FRANCINE: That disease that Sue Ellen said I had in her diary.

MUFFY: Francine, I said maybe you're in the diary. We don't know for sure.

FRANCINE: You're right. I've got to find out.

MUFFY: Hmm. She probably didn't write about Francine at all. I wonder what she did write about. [cut to a shot of the diary on a book cart. Sue Ellen walks past it.] I can help you look for it, Sue Ellen.

SUE ELLEN: Well, okay. Just don't read it if you find it!

MUFFY: Hey! [looks for the diary on the shelves] What if it was put away in these shelves? Maybe you should tell me what's in the diary, that way I'll know what section to look in.

SUE ELLEN: Oh, just thoughts, ideas, the beginning of a story.

MUFFY: About what?

SUE ELLEN: Well, there's this girl, who's a princess, and-hey, wait a minute! Nice try, Muffy, but I'm not telling you a thing. It's private!

MUFFY: Boy, she really doesn't want me to see that book. Maybe it's because the story is about...me! [dream sequence.]

SUE ELLEN: [voiceover] Once upon a time, there was a rich, beautiful, smart princess named Millicenta, who lived in a tower with her lady in waiting.

SUE ELLEN: [brushing Millicenta's hair] Oh, my princess, you're so fair, while I am just...okay.

MILLICENTA: Ouch! Watch it, you'll give me split ends.

SUE ELLEN: [voiceover] Then one day, a fire breathing dragon came to the nearby village and caused big trouble! [the fire breathing dragon breathes fire. Assorted cries for help from the villagers, who run towards Millicenta's castle.]

VILLAGERS: Help us, rich, beautiful, smart Princess Millicenta!

MILLICENTA: Lady in waiting, we've got to do something!

SUE ELLEN: [wearing knight clothes] Fear not, Princess! I'll handle it! [the dragon moves towards the tower. Sue Ellen can't fit through the door.] Oh, no! Help! Heeelp!

MILLICENTA: [sighs] If you want something done right, you've got to do it yourself. [uses her long hair to get her down to the dragon's level. The dragon tries to attack Millicenta, but Millicenta sprays a single shot of perfume in its mouth. The dragon can't breathe after this, and then it passes out.]

SUE ELLEN: [kneeling to Millicenta] Oh, beautiful princess, thank you! I don't know how I'll ever repay you.

MILLICENTA: Well, this perfume is 30 dollars a bottle. You can start there. [the dragon gets back up and approaches Millicenta, tapping her on the shoulder]

THE DRAGON: [in Binky's voice] Hey, space cadet!

MILLICENTA: Huh? You can't talk to me- [back to reality]

MUFFY: -like that! I'm a princess!

BINKY: Okay, whatever. Just quit blocking the shelf.

MUFFY: Oh. Sorry, Binky. I was just thinking about Sue Ellen's diary. It's so sad. She lost it, and it had the most wonderful story.

BINKY: A book? "Private" written all over the cover?

MUFFY: Yeah, that's it. Have you seen it?

BINKY: I thought it was just a regular book, I put it on some cart.

MUFFY: What did it say? What did it say?

BINKY: I don't know. I didn't read it.

MUFFY: Come on, Binky. Let's find that book. I have to read that story.

BINKY: It was right there. [points to the spot where Sue Ellen dropped her diary earlier] And the cart was right there!

MUFFY: It could be anywhere by now!

BINKY: What's so important about it, anyway?

MUFFY: It's a diary, Binky. It's where people write down how they really feel about everything.

BINKY: Everything?

MUFFY: Yep. Everything and everybody. BINKY: Everybody...that would include...me! [dream sequence]

SUE ELLEN: [writing] Dear Diary, today was no ordinary school day. It was the day I met the man of my dreams. [looks at a framed picture of Binky on a table] Binky Barnes! He's handsome, [Binky lifts a bus with his bare hands] strong, and talented. [in the lunchroom, Binky burps the last notes of "The Star-Spangled Banner".] Oh! Now, if only I could get him to notice me... [Binky struggles to get his locker open, ignoring Sue Ellen.] Dear Diary, three months have passed, and Binky still doesn't know how I feel about him. [Binky finally opens his locker, and a bunch of love notes fall out of his locker. He walks away, and Sue Ellen partially shuts his locker door.] [sighs. cut to Binky sleeping. Sue Ellen is still writing] I've tried everything! [singing outside of Binky's house, accompanied by a band] Ay, yay yay, yay, Binky, te quiero. I love you, I love you, te quiero, I really, truly love you, muchisimo, it's true... [Sue Ellen and the band stop. The band members shrug. Back to reality.]

BINKY: [gasps] If that's what she's written about, I better find that book before someone else does! [walks past Arthur, who is holding a stack of books. He falls and crashes into the book cart containing the diary.]

ARTHUR: Oh, great... [looks for the books he dropped, then picks up Sue Ellen's diary.] Hey, what's this? [cut to a reading room]

BINKY: She must've written about people she li-...thinks are cool!

FRANCINE: Maybe she wrote about the time that we picked our noses when we thought no one was looking!

MUFFY: Well, we'll never know what's really in it, unless we find it. [Arthur walks in, holding Sue Ellen's diary]

ARTHUR: Hey, have any of you seen Sue Ellen? I think I found her diary! [Muffy, Arthur, Francine, and Binky sit at a table around the diary. Binky reaches for the diary, but Arthur stops him.] Wait!

BINKY: Huh?

ARTHUR: I really don't think we should do this. I mean, would you want someone to read your diary?

BINKY: I don't have a diary.

FRANCINE: Arthur, don't you want to know what she said about you?

ARTHUR: Well...kind of. But-

MUFFY: Okay. Who's going to read first?

FRANCINE: Not me.

ARTHUR: Definitely not me.

MUFFY: Well, I don't want to be the first one.

FRANCINE: Maybe we should all read it together. That way, everyone's equally guilty. [they each put their hand on the book. Arthur gulps. Cut to Sue Ellen telling Mrs. Turner about the diary.]

SUE ELLEN: I've had that diary since I was really little! No one's ever read it. Not even my mom and dad! [Arthur, Francine, Muffy and Binky walk up to her. Arthu is holding the diary.] [gasps] Arthur?! Why'd you take it?!

ARTHUR: I-I didn't! I found it on the book cart, and I was going to give it back to you, but then-

MUFFY: -then we all really wanted to see what was in it.

BINKY: So we took it over there-

FRANCINE: -and we couldn't open it.

ARTHUR: Here you go, Sue Ellen. It's still private. [gives Sue Ellen the diary]

SUE ELLEN: Well, [angrily] I know what I'm going to write in it tonight!

ARTHUR, FRANCINE, MUFFY, BINKY: What?!

SUE ELLEN: [happy] That I have the best friends in the world!

BINKY: No, really, what are you going to write? [Sue Ellen turns to leave. Binky opens the door for her.] Allow me.

MUFFY: Sue Ellen, I'll be home tonight, if you need any more ideas for stories. [Sue Ellen goes to unlock her bike.]

FRANCINE: Here, Sue Ellen. Let me hold your book while you unlock your bike. I wouldn't want you to get hurt! [Sue Ellen is with Arthur.]

SUE ELLEN: Arthur, are you sure nobody read my diary?

ARTHUR: Don't worry, Sue Ellen, nobody read it. It's still private.

SUE ELLEN: Well, that's good. You might've been embarrassed. I said some pretty nice things about you!

ARTHUR: [confused] Huh? [blushes. The end.]