Thread:The Pop Cult Gamer/@comment-4319402-20161111022313/@comment-24669562-20161226131030

  Hi again CJ and PCG, and anyone happening to read this. I admit I didn't read all of what was put on this thread (for one thing I skipped much of "The SonAmy Issue," and I think I skipped another one.

I am going comment on what I've read so far, no not in a bad way, because where PCG has been, I've been there too, and not just the autism, but the depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, feelings of failure, and more, but I won't talk about everything about myself. I also have some things to say about myself and other things.

I do tend to get carried away and ramble and leave super long messages and can go too into detail and I probably will again so please be patient with me. I will try to get to the point, I don't want to make this longer than it needs to be.

Oh, I will not use swear words because, although I'm guilty of swearing myself, embarrassed to admit that, that is not my thing and I don't want it to be, but some of what I say my seem graphic and I am going to reveal some things I've done that have gotten me into trouble on the internet. And I will divide this into sections, in fact I'm going to copy some of what PCG has done to make this a little easier for you. And what you'r e about to read may change what you think about me. Why not? it's happened before, might as well happen now and everyhing I get into gets messed up, and it's already happened on Wikia, Fanfiction.net, and Deviant Art and it's going to happen wherever I go in this cruel world on and off the internet.

Life Before the Internet
Well, some of this takes place post-internet life.

I was diagnosed with autism when I was seven years old, four years later than PCG was diagnosed with it. I know it's not that bad because I know others have gotten diagnosed much later than that, which is sad. And I'm sure there are people with autism that have never been diagnosed with it at all (not that I've heard such a thing, it's something I just thought of.) And looking back, I too was over-emotional.

I was a different person, no doubt about it. And I had trouble doing things other kids did. I mean I knew my ABCs and was able to count to 100 by the time I was in Kindergarten, but I had trouble in other areas in my life and education, such as knowing all the black people like Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., Harriet Tubman, Mary McCloud Bethune (I thought her name was 'Mary Mount Mathoon,' go ahead, laugh!) etc (even now I cannot remember all of them but I can guess some of them were probably also Jackie Robinson and Rosa Parks. We were learning these in one Kindergarten class I went to. We used to go over them together as a whole class, but one day, my teacher had us do it individually, having us go up one student at a time pointing at a person and saying who was who. But the only person I knew was Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. (only because I used to have nightmares about him tickling me during my baby years, before that it was a white man with a moustache that I dreamt tickled me, which is one reason why I don't like moustaches now, I don't even like to have one! Anyway getting back on subject, that was one of the worst days of my life, I got in a lot of trouble that day, one reason probably for not knowing all the names of the black people. Perhaps my teacher thought I wasn't paying attention, perhaps I wasn't paying attention and I admit I didn't always pay attention, not just in class but elsewhere. I was grounded from playing that day and even got spanked.

Yes, I too was spanked as a child, so I can empathize with others who were, and I'll tell you, it's something I wouldn't do if I was a parent, at least I hope I wouldn't. Many say it's the best punishment but I cannot stand the thought of myself doing that to someone else (back then it was fun to spank others, I even used to spank my stuffed animals) now that I see the emotional harm it does, it's something I wouldn't do, but thankfully I'm not a parent so I don't need to worry about that, and hopefully I won't have to do that to my nieces and nephews.

Anyway, as a different person, I had trouble doing things other people did, but was good at things other people were not and noticed things others didn't. I'm still that way to this day. What's constantly happened was people noticed my accent. People would even ask me "Why do you talk like that?" At a very young age I couldn't answer that. In fact I couldn't answer lots of questions, either because I didn't know the answer, didn't know what to say, or how to respond, and other possible situations. But then later as I learned more, I would answer "I was born like that," didn't learn that line until I was in 6th grade. I've even had one person say to me "Shut up! I hate the way you talk!" to which I answered, "I cannot help it, I was born like this." Another person told me, "You talk weird," to which I answered, "I didn't ask for this voice." And I didn't realize how weird my voice was until I heard it recorded on tape (Audio Cassette or video VHS when I was video taped). Even I thought I sounded weird. I mean I liked the way I sounded when I talked, but when I heard my recorded voice, it was different, only I didn't know that's what i really sounded like until middle or high school. And it seemed no matter what I tried to do, I just couldn't change my voice, my voice still sounded dorky. And now that my voice is deeper, I sound even uckier than when I was a child, and I hate the sound of my own voice, and yet I like to sing, even fausetto (I know I misspelled that). If I was to go on American Idol, which I never plan to do, for one, I DON'T want to be anybody's idol, and I wouldn't make the cut anyway, and I don't want to face those judges, I'm too sensitive for that.

Yes, I am a sensitive person, or can be a sensitive person. I'm visually sensitive (sometimes I can lose my appetite and it can be very hard for me to eat or drink anything for a while) and I'm emotionally sensitive too. Sometimes I can take things too hard or more seriously than I should.

When I was 8, that's when I started learning what it was like to be a social outcast. I mean I was excluded from some things earlier in life but not as severily as it was when I was 8. Some classmates didn't like me, some didn't want to play with me or include me in their activities, and some kids didn't want to be my friend, either because I was "stupid," couldn't do things right, was selfish, perhaps hyperactive, and I'll admit I've acted weirdly and I'll give an example of that in a minute, or slow. I cannot think of every reason why I was disliked or hated so much, although I was even disliked just for doing the right things (such as not letting people cut me in line.)

Now this is the example of weirdness I was: on a busride back home from school, we passed by this radio tower, only I didn't know it was a radio tower at the time and I saw a lot of them when I lived in Germany. I had passed by that radio tower several times before but for whatever reason I reacted to it and saying "I'M RICH, I'M RICH!" like other things. I didn't know what I was saying and I didn't know what being rich really meant. In fact I didn't know what a lot of things meant.And I even called the radio tower a "temperature," I must have meant "thermometer" because that's what takes your temperature. And speaking of "temperature" I thought that was only in humans, I didn't know it applied to weather too.

One other embarrassing thing I did and this was before I was 8, I used to sing on the bus, I even used to sing Terence Trent D'Arby's songs from beginning to, well however far I could get, although I got the lyrics wrong. And I was totally unaware of how I was making others around me feel and now I feel bad for putting them through that. In fact I feel bad about a lot of the things I put others through, although I didn't mean harm in all of what I did. I still enjoy singing some of D'Arby's songs by the way, and I know the lyrics better than I did asa little kid.

But yes I was a very annoying person back then, to my classmates, my teachers, my parents, who loved me none-the-less, and  I love them too, and I've annoyed virtually everyone I've come in contact with and spent a long time with. And you won't believe how many baby-sitters I've gone through as a baby to preschooler. Many only watched me once and then couldn't handle me anymore after that, although I was told I was a beautiful baby, yeah by looks!

And let's not forget my interests and obsesions, including, yes, railroad crossings. I started noticing those when I was 1 if not sooner or later. I started noticing the signals with the X-shaped signs (called crossbucks, also called the RAILROAD CROSSING sign) the flashing red lights, and the gates. I saw the ones we use in the U.S. and the ones they use in Germany, which differed a little but served the same functions, including ringing bells and candy-colored (red and white) gates that go down before a train comes and raise back up after the train leaves. I was told they were railroad crossings when I was 4 during a visit back to my hometown in Gary, Indiana. My grandmother even had a toy railroad crossing signal with a red light and a green light, that's how I learned they were railroad crossing lights and that's what I called railroad crossing signals. I later learned about the gates, mistaking them for toll gates (because of the Indiana Toll Road, which also is the Chicago Skyway Toll Road in Chicago Illinois) Later I was corrected and told the "toll gates" at the railroad crossings were "crossing gates."

But I gained more interest in them and would even have my mother and others draw railroad crossing signals for me. I even started drawing them myself and drew lots and lots of pictures of them, including during inappropriate times. Same with power lines and whatever my favorite cartoon was at the time, whether it was Super Mario, Underdog, The Impossibles, Kirby the pink little roly-poly alien that has the mouth of a vacumm cleaner. I was generally only interested in what I was interested in and hated when people would tell me to do other things (sometimes I still have trouble with that to this day though I'm much wiser now.) So I was repetitive, (I can still be today.)

<p style="font-weight:normal;">I was also someone very hard to carry on a conversation with, so my mother told me. She said I would talk about trains or cartoons. And I repeated much of what I heard, whether on TV or in the commercials and was thought to have eco-alia.

<p style="font-weight:normal;">To review, I was diagnosed with autism when I was seven, I was a weirdo and can still be to this day, I talk funny and have a voice I'm almost ashamed of, I didn't understand everything that was told to me, I had trouble functioning like other children, and I have been obsesed with railroad crossings, utility towers, and cartoons, all of which I'm still interested in to this day.

<p style="font-weight:normal;">I also cried and threw temper tantrums. In fact when I was in elementary school, I didn't care much about my education and didn't always do my homework. I would even arrive late to class a lot not realizing there were consequences to it. At least I knew I didn't want to get sent to the principal's office like other kids, which I was careful about doing until I was in 7th grade, and my perfect record of not being sent there was shattered and I was devistated. I was called to the principals office in 4th grade and again in 7th grade for bad things I did. I wanted to be like other people, but I also wanted to be different too, even wanted to be better than others, which I cannot say I always was because that is so not true, I was just as bad as, maybe worse, than others, sometimes even when I tried to do right. More on the whole "doing right" thing later.

<p style="font-weight:normal;">In fourth grade, at first I generally refused to do homework, until I got caught and had lots of my privledges taken from me and got spanked for that. That's when I started doing my homework more regulary. I wanted to be better in fifth grade but I wasn't much better, and got a D in Science and and F in Social Studies on my first progress report, right then I was grounded from playing Nintendo. But when my actual report card came a few weeks later, still a D in Science and a D in Social Studies, which later rose to an A but then went right back to an F by my second report card, but after my first report card among other things I've done, I lost all my privledges except watching TV and playing my tape player. I was epsecially not allowed to play with trains or anything that looked like a train or anything related to a train, although admittedly I was sneaky and did play with my trains or train-related paraphenellia when my parents weren't looking! Otherwise it was a miserable life and I wanted to be ungrounded, so I tried doing better at school, I wanted my privledges back, I don't know if I wanted to please my parents, maybe I did.

<p style="font-weight:normal;">Also in fourth grade, that's when I started to be more self-aware and self-concious. I even started bullying myself. I made myself go to the back of the line though I didn't want to and no one told me to. And I would write dramatic stories about myself. I guess the way others treated me caused me to start treating myself badly. And even still to this day I can be self-bullying although I'm not as self-abusive but I can still be hard on myself, especially when others are hard one me.

<p style="font-weight:normal;">But beginning in middle school, which I dreaded going to and I didn't think I was going to be good enough for middle school, I was even apprehensive about it, and middle school was one of the worst times of my life, especially 8th grade, which was a worse version of 5th grade. I was assigned a 1-on-1 aide starting in 6th grade, and I was a little anxious about the assignments I was given. What wasn't cool about me, I would cry almost everytime I was given homework, especially when I had plans for after school, and hated sacrificing my time to do homework. Little did I know back then that I was going to be having to make lots of sacrifices in my life, well I didn't just not know that, I din't accept it either or hardly accepted it. In fact there were lots of realities I was going to have to accept that I didn't readily accept.

<p style="font-weight:normal;">I also had fear of failure. And I berated myself more, even saying things like "I'm stupid," "I'm dumb," and "I know nothing." I talked negatively about myself and constantly too, because that's how I really felt about myself, although I think sometimes I said it just to get attention, otherwise I really did feel like a stupid person who couldn't amount to others. I also called myself stupid because others called me stupid, and I tried to deny I was but I took it to heart.

<p style="font-weight:normal;">I wanted to do better in school, well I didn't want to get grounded and lose my privledges again, and sort of did learn from my past mistakes and took some things in life a little more seriously thank goodness. Let me just go ahead and say this:, whenever I got a bad grade on something, I would get really upset, sometimes cry or throw a temper tantrum and I was afraid my parents would get upset when they saw it. I hid a lot of my bad grades from them to keep from getting in trouble. I've even watted up or ripped up some of my homework and threw them away, but was directed a few times to get my watted or ripped up homework and told to show them to my parents, which I still wouldn't do. I guess you can say I didn't trust my parents, and I should have. And I liked other people more than my own parents, sometimes. Other times I was more comfortable with my family than with other people, or more comfortable with people I knew than with those I didn't, and I'm also guilty of going by physical appearance instead of going by what's on the inside. And I hated being paired or grouped with people I didn't like, didn't think I liked, or didn't like as much as I those I would have rather have been with.

<p style="font-weight:normal;">But yes, I too have thrown temper tantrums in school and outside school too. And starting in 4th grade if not later, I even got mad when I got spanked, it didn't just hurt physically, it hurt emotionally too. I even hated hearing the stories of my parents getting spanked when they were kids, and even planned to spank my kids if I had any, but one reason was to take what my parents did to me out on them. Thankfully I grew out of that, and that would make me a child-abuser, something I don't want to be classed as.

<p style="font-weight:normal;">In fact I hated some changes in my life. I hated being taken from where I felt comfortable to a place that was strange, not as comfortable, or wasn't attracted to. I hated being taken away from my favorite places and people, or what I thought were my favorite people or places, and changed to different places. Like in 6th grade, I had a math class I loved so much, but then when I learned I was going to be transferred to a different math class with a different teacher, I didn't take it well and cried but went anyway. It was okay the first few days but wasn't going all too well. So I was taken back to my original math class for a short time, but eventually I had to go back to the less-favored math class, and this time I was emotionally prepared.

<p style="font-weight:normal;">I had the same problem in 7th grade when I moved to another middle school, I was in a class I was comfortable in, but it was a class for special-needs children, some of whom I didn't get along with and some of whom bullied me. Either way I liked it there, but when I learned I had to go to other classes and would be removed from that room, I was broken up, I loved my teacher and was comfortable where I was but there was no getting out of it.

<p style="font-weight:normal;">Getting back to homework, I didn't like having homework and would try to do all my work before school was over, sometimes I succeeded, sometimes I failed and ended up having homework. There were even times I tried to get out of doing homework but ended up still having to do it. Sometimes I was excused from homework, having instead to do the work in school the next day, until my parents insisted I was given homework.

<p style="font-weight:normal;">Okay I'll admit I was selfish back then and I wasn't fair. I lacked lots of humility back then and was an egotist and self-centered and didn't care as much about others as I should have.

<p style="font-weight:normal;">Sometimes I had no trouble doing my homework and sometimes I took it into my stride that I had homework and just did it, sometimes doing more work than I was supposed to, but also doing things because I felt it was expected of me and felt I shouldn't always go easy on myself, but there were times some though I was too hard on myself although I didn't hear that until later. I was also unnappreciative of what I had (I can still have trouble with that to this day)

<p style="font-weight:normal;">And I didn't think I was a good enough student either, even when I got good grades, and rarely gave myself credit for what I've done, even saying I was "lucky." And my lack of postive attitude annoyed my teachers and whatever one-on-one aide I had. Also annoyed my parents. I was also a pessamist. My younger sister called me that and I thought she was calling me that to be mean, but now I know she was right. I wasn't going to talk about my sister but I will a little. My sister seemed like a better kid and student than me, unintentionally making me look and feel bad and ashamed. I thought my paretns liked her more than me. My sister doesn't have autism. My sister did used to bully me, even bullied me to the point where I wanted to run away, although she wasn't the only reason for it and I seriously considered doing so many times in my life but hesitated to.

<p style="font-weight:normal;">Getting back to my negative attitude, and lack of positive attitude, one teacher even warned that she would not accept any work from me that included the opposite of positive attitude, and she was one of the first people, or was it my aide?, that told me I don't give myself enough credit. Another teacher wrote a note saying "Positive Attitude is a Must in my classroom." Again, whenever I got a good grade on something, whether it was a hard homework assignment or quiz or exam, I just took it as me being "lucky." I don't believe in luck now but I did back then and didn't think there was anything wrong with "luck," and "lucky," now I try not to use that word if I can help it.

<p style="font-weight:normal;">The thing was, I guess I was afraid to have a positive attitude because I've messed up a lot in my life and couldn't do lots of things right. I even had feelings of not being able to do things right and was made to feel I couldn't do things right, even when I tried to. I'll just say it like this, though it may not be true, I've messed up so many times in my life that I felt I didn't deserve to feel right, even when I did right. And some wrong things have been said to me, even by people older than me but not in my peers or generation. Sadly, I can still have trouble having a postive attitiude about myself. I mean I know how to have one, and I know I need one, I'm just afraid I'll have too much of one, and sometimes I can get over-optimistic. Sometimes it annoys me when people have more faith in me than I do in my own self, well it's not always annoying and I should be thankful that there are people who actually believe in me and trust me, I hate not being trusted, which sadly I admit I cannot be trusted with some things right now. Speaking of trust, in 9th grade, after messing up so many times in my life, I came to the conclusion I couldn't be trusted and told my great grandmother who told my mother, who was not happy to know I said that.'

<p style="font-weight:normal;">In fact, when I would do something wrong, be reprimanded for it and say something bad about myself, my parents took it as me "Feeling sorry for myself," which annoyed them and which, well I guess sometimes it really was that, but other times I was just expressing my anger or frustration. I didn't mean to annoy my parents but I did. It was like I couldn't win. Like I said earlier, I didn't trust my parents very much. And I too had trouble expressing myself, I still have that kind of trouble today, even talking on the internet and talking to you, the reader. I don't always know what to say, I don't always know what I'm talking about, and don't always say the right words or the right things. I mean I know what I'm talking about, but I just cannot put it into words.

<p style="font-weight:normal;">Do you (anyone reading this) have this problem too? (Seriously do you?)

<p style="font-weight:normal;">In fact it's frustrating when I have a problem and want to talk about it and think I know what I want to say, but then when I get the opportunity, I freeze up and not know what to say, especially if I do talk but then get interuppted, making it harder for me to talk, but it's frustrating when I want to talk but don't know what to say and then after my chance is up, what I wanted to say comes back to me. I'm also afraid to make an already bad situation worse (although I have intentionally done that at times) or make someone who's already upset with me more upset with me. And if I didn't say this before, I'll say it now, or else repeat it: I am annoying or can be annoying. I hate that I cannot express myself right or don't always know what to say, or maybe I know what to say I just don't have the guts to say it.

<p style="font-weight:normal;">Do you have this problem too? In fact, do you have any of the problems I have? I know I have some of the problems you have.

<p style="font-weight:normal;">And let me go ahead and say this too, I also have low self-esteem. And like Gary Coleman said about himself, I'm a troubled person myself.

<p style="font-weight:normal;">I have more to talk about but I'll say it later.

My reply to CJ's comment on people with autism.
<p style="font-weight:normal;">You are surely right, autism IS hard to live with, I think especially when you're a child and are powerless against everyone around you. And we do have our ups and downs like non-autistic people. In fact no matter who you are, ups and downs don't discriminate anyone

<p style="font-weight:normal;">I'm sorry to hear someone made a death threat to you. I may not know what I'm talking about but that's an arrestable offense, NOBODY should be threatening anyone with death. "Thou shalt not murder!" Period! Under no circumstances, it is NOT for a human to take the life or desire death of another person even if they deserve it. I mean I may have been guilty of wanting others dead myself but that just isn't right. I once imagined someone I didn;t like dead but that didn't feel right and bothered me a little. But no one should be making death threats to anyone or encouraging others to die.

<p style="font-weight:normal;">" If I sit around and let what people say to me, effects my emotions and thinking, to where I can't hangout with friends, go out, enjoy my hobbies, and watch movies, I'm the real idiot in the story."

<p style="font-weight:normal;">And you're right, when we take to heart the bad things people say about us, that is if it's their opinion, we're just as immature as they are (and I'm guilty of that myself, letting negative things other people say about me define me and I can still have that problem sometimes.) Sometimes I do let what others say to me or other unfortunate events get in the way of me enjoying what I do, and that's not right, and it's boring, although if I keep focusing on the bad situation, it'll make it harder for me to enjoy things.

<p style="font-weight:normal;">In fact just two days ago someone on Deviant Art told me to get off his, well I'm sure you can guess, I'm not lying, this happened http://willm3luvtrains.deviantart.com/art/Lincoln-Loud-and-Bun-Bun-653012766 I was only crediting him for inspiration I did of my artwork, ,even mentioning him but he sounded ungrateful to me so I, well I shouldn't have done this but I responded back to him saying "Consider yourself blocked." and added the word "RUDE!" and then I blocked him. I still don't understand why he said that to me and I'm not sure what he has against me, but it lowered my mood a little. Doesn't matter, although I'd still like to know what he has against me, I want nothing to do with him. I even removed his picture that I used for my artwork from my favorites, and it was a good picture too, now I don't want to see it again. Well, some people are just ungrateful and mean.

<p style="font-weight:normal;">And some people still don't know what autism really is. In fact I admit even I don't understand everything about autism. I know it's not a disease and I know it's not a cancer, but people with autism are just like any other person, only they think differently, see the world differently, and function differently. What do I mean they? We since I fit the category. And I admit I didn't always like having autism and it did cause me trouble and inconvenience but I'm glad I have it because for one I can relate to others who have it and I can empathize with others who have it.Admittedly some people with autism are tougher people than I am and can handle it better than I can and are better at not letting it hender them or hold them back like I can do.

<p style="font-weight:normal;">Yes we're autistic, but we're still people, we are not aliens in human bodies.