Phony Fern/Transcript

Introduction
Virgule Watteau (Fern) and Bastings (George) run up a flight of stairs.

Watteau: Quickly, Bastings, I feel we may already be too late. The Baron is leaning out of an upstairs window and holding something.

Baron: (laughs)   Watteau and Bastings come in.   Ah, Virgule Watteau, I knew you would find me here.

Watteau: And I knew that you knew. You see, Baron, Virgule Watteau, she is always one step ahead. Arrest that kidnapper, Bastings. Bastings advances holding handcuffs.

Baron: Not this time, Watteau, not if you want to see your dearest friend alive again.

Watteau: Hh! ''The Baron points at whatever he is holding out of the window. A crowd has gathered below.''   One false move and I'll drop him. (laughs)     Watteau looks shocked.

Bastings: Atchoo! The Baron accidentally drops what he is holding.

Watteau: Oh, no!

Bastings: Sorry, there must be a cat in here.

Watteau: Bastings, he dropped him. I'll apprehend the Baron, you get to the street, Bastings.

Bastings: This will be quicker than the stairs. ''He ties a rope to a window and tries to abseil down, but falls. Ooah! Watteau advances on the Baron. When he runs away, she throws a lasso after him. ''

''Bastings is outside dangling on his rope. Watteau has tied the baron to a railing.''

Man: Look, Virgule Watteau has got the Baron. She's done it again!

Crowd: (cheer)     ''Watteau sadly looks at something on the ground. The crowd looks on sympathetically.''

Watteau: But at what cost? My dearest friend in the world. No-one will ever know how I felt about you, my pauvre little Portilex 360 with wireless chatback and 157 ring tones. ''She removes a blanket from the remains of a cellphone. She holds the pieces in her hand and presses a button.''     Speak to me! Why???