Fern's Slumber Party/Transcript

''Mrs. Walters opens the door to Fern's room. Fern is playing detective with dolls.''

Fern: Now that you are all gathered here I can reveal the name of... ''She looks at the camera. ''Oh, um... hello. Um, I don't really have anything to say. Um... Mrs. Walters looks in to the camera.

Mrs. Walters: Well, hello. Nice to see you. Have you introduced the show yet, Fern?

Fern: No.

Mrs. Walters: Well, speak up, Sweetie. Tell everyone what it's about. Now, when Arthur does it, he looks right into the camera. Watch me. Just like this. ''She moves closer to the camera. ''   The last scene is so... Fern tries to push her to the side.

Fern: Mom. Don't give it away.

Mrs. Walters: But...

Fern: Just go to the title card. Maybe that swimming one. ''She closes the door on the camera.''

 Title card: Arthur swims with fish

''Fern has accompanied her mother to a copy shop. Mrs. Walters hands the clerk a card reading „Lakewood Elementary Open House!“.''

Clerk: Open house time, huh? Nice borders. They're really creative, Mrs. Walters

Mrs. Walters: Thanks, Hank. Fern is very creative too.

Clerk: What do you like to do, Fern? Sing, draw, sculpt?

Fern: Read.

Mrs. Walters: One hundred copies, please. ''She sees at a notice board. ''  Look, Fern. Corky's Computer Corral is sponsoring a children's computer workshop. We should sign you up.

Fern: Why? Dad taught me about computers.

Mrs. Walters: Exactly. You'd know more than anyone else. You could teach everyone.

''In Mrs. Walters' fantasy Fern is on a stage introducing a computer.''

Fern: I have just invented artificial intelligence: a thinking, talking computer

Audience: Oh!

Computer: I will recite a poem of my own composition, entitled 011101.

Audience: Oh!

Computer: Ahem... 011101001111000000110011.

Audience: (clap, cheer)

''Mrs. Walter's fantasy ends. In Fern's fantasy she is introducing the same computer.''

Fern: Em, this is my... em...

Computer: ...Computer. Her computer. I began life as a chip off the old block. My parents were clones of one of those expensive systems, so we got no respect.

Audience: (laugh)

Computer: But seriously, folks, the worst display space, no dual-page ads in PC magazine, no respect. Just like an inventor I know! Ahahaha. Just kidding, Fern. Fern's fantasy ends.

Fern: (sighs)

''Fern accompanies her mother to the office of an enviromental protection group.''

Lady: Two thousand signatures! I wish we had three more of you, Doria.

Mrs. Walters: Oh, Fern will be helping soon. She's a wonderful speaker. She could charm the fish right out of a fish bowl.

''In Mrs. Walters' fantasy Fern is on a ship giving an interview.''

Reporter: Fern, tell us what you accomplished this week.

Fern: Well, I ended global warming, patched the hole in the ozone layer And yesterday, I disovered a completely natural oil-spill cleanser. ''She dips an oily pelican into a bowl. It comes out clean.''

''Mrs. Walter's fantasy ends. In Fern's fantasy, she is giving an interview at a beach.''

Mrs. Walters:  'She's a wonderful speaker. She could charm the fish out the bowl.'

Fern: Em... The state of our oceans is, em...very important... um... not very good. We need to, em, stop polluting... our precious... em, our most precious... resource. What I mean to say is... that, em... although...although our ocean has... an open house... ''While talking she looks around. The audience, a couple of seals, a sea otter and several fish are fast asleep and snoring. Ferns fantasy ends.''

Mrs. Walters: Well, I hope we'll see you at the open house. Ready to go, Fern?

At the open house Mrs. Walters is offering cookies.

Arthur: They all look different, Mrs Walters.

Mrs. Walters: Yes, Arthur. Each cookie is a different, famous landmark. Fern, why don't you pass out the cookies?

Francine: I'll do it, Mrs. Walters. I love to distribute. Everyone will be given a cookie that suits your personality. Here, Arthur, you get the Liberty Bell because you're cracked.

Sue Ellen: What a pretty bracelet, Francine.

Francine: My mother bought it at a yard sale. It looks Egyptian. I think it belonged to Cleopatra.

Muffy: It says „Made in Japan“.

Francine: That was obviously stamped there to fool the Romans, so they wouldn't steal it.

Mrs. Walters: (sighs)     Francine hands a Fern a vaguely cloud shaped green cookie.

Francine: Here, this one must be for you. I don't know what personality it is.

''Fern is playing with her toys in her room.''

Fern: Aha. These cookies contained an insidious East Bora Borean peanut that turned the eater into a mindless zombie. Another case solved by the brilliant Fern Watson! Holmes, it's time to feed the hound of the Baskervilles. Where is the can opener? Mrs. Walters comes in.

Mrs. Walters: Honey, what have you wanted to have more than anything in the world?

Fern: A detective kit!

Mrs. Walters: Don't be silly. The one thing you've always wanted to have is a slumber party.

Fern: Oh.

Mrs. Walters: Hosting a party is just what you need to develop your social skills. Now put away all that silly detective stuff and let's start planning the the perfect party.

Fern: Okay. I'll do the invitations.

''Fern prints out the invitations. They show a group of stick figures.''

Mrs. Walters: They're done! Well, the design is very nice, Fern, but where's the information?

Fern: That IS the information. It's from „The Adventure Of The Dancing Men“. I've put the the date, time and place in a secret code.

Mrs. Walters: What if the girls can't decode it?

Fern: Then, they won't come. And they'll be happy because they don't want to come anyway. I'm boring. They know my party will be boring.

Mrs. Walters: Fern. Nobody thinks you're boring. Fern looks sad.

On the school playground.

Francine: My mom's making me go to Fern's party and it's gonna be boring.

Muffy: I might as well just wear my sleeping bag. I'll be falling asleep so fast!

Arthur: But I bet Fern's mother makes cookies and cakes and bite-sized pizzas and hamburgers...

Muffy: One cannot spend an entire party eating.

Sue Ellen: Speak for yourself, Muffy.

Francine: We'll just have to make our own party, that's all. Bring our games and toys. Fern won't mind. In fact, she'll be relieved. We're saving her from being dull.

Sue Ellen: I can bring my portable trampoline.

Muffy: I'll bring my new Decathlon Debbie. She comes with her own bisquits.

Francine: See? This party will be just great. ''Fern has listened from the trees. She smiles.''

''Fern and her mother are finishing the decorations in the dining room.''

Fern: You know, Mom, you don't need to stick around when everyone gets here. I can handle everything.

Mrs. Walters: But I... ''Fern gives her a look. '' You take charge, hostess. You won't see me until dinner.

''The doorbell rings. Fern opens for Francine and Muffy.''

Muffy: I need help with my luggage. Bailey is outside with several suitcases. While he brings them in, Sue Ellen arrives.

Sue Ellen: What on Earth did you bring, Muffy?

Muffy: I have to be ready for all possible weather conditions.

Francine: Indoors? The girls help with the luggage.

''The girls see the dining room and the food. By now, Prunella and Jenna have also arrived.''

Girls: Wow!

Fern: I have some ideas for games. The girls exchange looks.

Francine: Fern, we brought some games with us. That way you won't have to worry whether you're entertaining us. Aren't you relieved?

Fern: Oh, well...

Francine: Good! She unpacks a game.

The girls are playing a board game.

Francine: I win again! My bracelet is not only ancient, it's lucky!

Jenna: Can we please play something else?

Fern: Well, I thought...

Francine: Paddle-ball contest!

Girls: (groan)

Sue Ellen: We're not something else you'll win, Francine.

Francine: I may not win, Sue Ellen. Nothing in life is certain.

Muffy: Time to bring out Decathlon Debbie.

Jenna: I brought Amazonia, warrior princess. She can wrestle Decathlon Debbie.

Muffy: Decathlon Debbie doesn't wrestle! Ugh.

Prunella: I brought a label maker. What needs identifying?

Francine: Well, let's decide on something. Fern says nothing.

''It has gotten dark. The girls are outside and Francine is jumping on the trampoline. Jenna and Muffy are playing with their action figures.''

Francine: Jenna and Muffy should be doing this with us. It's fun.

Sue Ellen: I guess they want to do what they want to do.

Muffy: Hey! You ruined her hair! If she loses the gold medal, you're in trouble.

''Later the girls are inside again, trying to entertain themselves.''

Muffy: (yawns) This is stupid. I can play by myself at home.

Fern brings an empty bowl into the kitchen.

Mrs. Walters: Dinner will be ready soon. What's wrong? ''Fern fills the bowl with chips.''

Fern: Nothing.

Mrs. Walters: What are the girls doing?

Fern: Being bored.

Francine: Ah! My bracelet! It's gone!

Muffy: Now calm down. There's a simple solution to this. Where do you last remember putting it down?

Francine: If I knew that, the bracelet wouldn't be lost, wouldn't it, Muffy? The girls start searching.

Prunella: Organize a search party. Did anyone bring walkie-talkies?

Muffy: Boredom, then loss of valuables. What a disaster!

Francine: My beatuiful bracelets. What it's gone forever?

Fern: I think I know where it is.

Francine: What?! Where is it?!

Fern: I could tell when the party began, strange forces were afoot. ''In her fantasy she has flashbacks of the party with everyone dressed like people in classical detective stories. In real life the girls are sitting on the couch and hanging on Fern's lips. ''  When Francine arrived, I could see the distinctive piece on her wrist. Other guests arrived, hidden motives safely tucked away. As the clock struck four, the bracelet had not left its owner's arm. But then... ''Flashback: Francine puts the bracelet on a shelf.''

Francine: That's right. I took it off and I put it... Now it's gone! Okay. Who took it?

Girls: Not me. I didn't take it!

Fern: Please! All in good time. Flashback: Muffy puts on the bracelet.

Francine: Muffy, you took it!

Muffy: I did not!

Fern: Francine, we can't keep going back and forth because you keep accusing people. It takes too long.

Francine: Sorry.

Fern: It was Jenna's turn to play a part in the goings-on. Flashback: Muffy puts the bracelet on a couch table.

Sue Ellen: Jenna, wanna watch a video? ''Flashback: Jenna drops a bag of chips on the bracelet.''

Francine: Jenna, you ate my bracelet?!

Girls: Francine! ''Flashback: Prunella picks up snacks which Jenna has spilled on the floor.''

Prunella: Jenna, Mrs Walters will be mad if you make a mess in her house. Stupid fringe. Flashback: Thunder.

Jenna: I don't remember a thunderstorm.

Fern: Ssh! It's atmospheric.  But as dinner hour approached...

Francine: My bracelet!

Fern: So we return to the scene of the events. The question is, who took the bracelet and where is it now? It is time to reveal all. She goes straight to the waste paper bin and takes out the bracelet.

Francine: My bracelet!

Muffy: So how did it end up there?

The key was Prunella's neatness. When I saw the table was bare, I realised someone had cleaned it. And I knew who that someone was. ''Flashback: Prunella sees the bag of chips and sweeps it into the bin.''

Prunella: Oh, Jenna!

''The girls clap. Fern takes a bow.''

Muffy: Fern, you are SO observant!

Jenna: You're a regular Encyclopedia Brown.

He's a bit of an amateur., actually. The truly great detective is...

''Mrs. Walters brings in the dinner. Fern is reading from „The Hound of the Baskervilles“.''

Fern: (reads:) ...Mr Holmes, they were the footprints of a gigantic hound. They had gone a mile or two when they passed on of the night shepherd on the moorlands, and they cried to him...

The other girls are sitting around Fern listening to her.

Mrs. Walters:  looks at the camera     I knew this party was a good idea.