Arthur's Cousin Catastrophe/Transcript

Arthur's Cousin Catastrophe

Introduction

Arthur is getting cleaning utensils out of a closet.

Arthur: I hope this never happens to you.

Mr. Read: Hurry! They'll be here soon.

Mrs. Read wipes the windows in the kitchen. Arthur brings his dad the utensils and he cleans the cupboards.

D.W.: Mom, you missed a spot.     

Arthur: No, it's not cleaning day.

D.W.: You missed a spot, Mom!    Arthur hands her a sponge.

Arthur puts on rubber gloves and goggles. Then he takes two pasta tongs and approaches the refrigerator. He opens the freezing compartment and is buried in an avalanche of ice and food.

Arthur: Argh!

Mr. Read hangs up decorations in a doorway.

D.W.: Higher... Higher... Higher...   A little lower… Lower...Lower...

Arthur sits in the living room with a check list.

Arthur: No, it's not a holiday.

Mrs. Read: Lawn mowed?

Arthur: Check.

Mr. Read: Party fun list?

Arthur: Check. It's not a formal dinner.

Mrs. Read: Beds made? Teeth brushed? Dog fed?

Arthur: Check. Check. Check.

D.W.: There, Daddy. That's perfect.       Mr. Read hangs up the decoration.

Arthur: It's all these things and more.

Mrs. Read: I guess we're as ready as we'll ever be.

Mr. Read: (sighs relieved)

Arthur walks outside. Over the door is a banner saying “Annual Read Family Reunion”.

Arthur: Welcome to the Read Family Reunion!

Title Card: Arthur With Umbrella

The doorbell rings while Mr. Read is carrying a stack of plates into the living room.

Mr. Read: They're early! Can you get that, Arthur? Don't forget the list!     Arthur opens the door. 

Arthur: Hi, welcome to the Read...     He is blinded by a camera flash. Uncle Bud, his wife Loretta and their two younger children stand outside.

Uncle Bud: Gotcha! Hey there, Arty! How do you like my new camera? This supernova solar flash is a real dandy. Well, don’t just stand there, Mr. Piano Man. Invite us in, hehe!

Arthur: Oh, right. Welcome to the Read Family Reunion! Come on in! Dad planned party games, so get ready for fun, fun, fun!           He hands lists to the others as they come in.

Uncle Bud: Son, "fun" is my middle name and I don't need a list to have it!   He drops the list.

Bud’s Kids: (laugh)

Aunt Loretta: Monique, don't lag, darling. We brought your cousin Mo with us, Arthur.

Arthur: Cousin...Mo?

Aunt Loretta: She has a nice surprise for you. You remember cousin Mo, don't you...?   Her words echo.  Remember your cousin Mo, don't you...don’t you…don’t you?

Arthur is transported into the past. An about two-year-old Arthur is playing in the yard when a shadow falls on him.

Aunt Loretta: Now play nice with little cousin Arthur, Mo.       Mo is about seven.

Little Mo: Sure, we're gonna have lots of fun, aren't we, cousin Arthur?      She grabs him. Then she turns on the water in the garden hose while Arthur sits on the sprinkler. He spins around.    (laughs)

A calendar changes to another July. Mo is now wearing a karate suit and throws Arthur across the yard.

Little Arthur: Argh!    Oof.

Little Mo: That's just a simple throw. Now I'll show you one I made up myself. It’s called the headlock of death.

Little Arthur: Hh!

A calendar changes to another July. Mo has dressed Arthur as a baby and put him in a baby carriage.

Mo: Hey, everybody, look at Arthur!

Arthur: It's not funny!

Mrs. Read: Oh, how cute! Honey, look at Arthur.

Mr. Read: Haha! He's so funny!

Mrs. Read+Tora+Loretta: (Oh, how cute! So funny!)   

The flashbacks end. Mo stands in front of Arthur.

Arthur: Augh!

Mo: Hh!         Arthur runs off.

Aunt Loretta: My, Arthur's certainly growing into an excitable boy.

#

Mr. Read fans a barbeque with a sheet of paper.

Mr. Read: Okay. The sauce is ready, the buns are ready, the coals are ready. Everyone’s here. All we need are the burgers and hot dogs. Er, burgers and hot dogs! I didn’t get burgers and hot dogs!    Mrs. Read brings a tray.

Mrs. Read: That's because I got the burgers and hot dogs, dear.

Mr. Read: Ah, that's right!

Arthur looks at the yard from a tree through binoculars. He sees Mo standing at the door.

Arthur: Ah, target sighted!    The word “danger” flashes inside the binoculars.     I just have to get across the back yard and through the party to the house, then I can hide in my room until she's gone. But how? How?         D.W. appears in front of him. She is sitting on a lower branch.

D.W.: Hi, Arthur!        Arthur falls from his branch and hangs on to D.W.’s branch.

Arthur: Hh!

D.W.: What are you doing hiding here in this tree.    Arthur drops to the ground.    Don’t run. I hear Mo has a big surprise planned for you this year.

Arthur: We’ll see about that.          He runs away.

D.W.: Yeah, maybe she wants to give you a ride in the washing machine then hang you on the clothesline to dry, or maybe...  She tries to climb down.  (struggles)    Arthur! Help me down! Arthur!

#

Uncle Bud films his son Ricky and his younger daughter playing with a basketball.

Uncle Bud: Hey, Ricky!    Look at my boy go! Quite an athlete, huh? I bet he beats Arty in the sack race.

Mr. Read: Oh my gosh, the sack race! I forgot to get sacks!     He runs inside.

Mrs. Read: Broom closet, behind the mop.

Arthur tries to get to the house when he is stopped by his cousin George.

Cousin George: Arthur, look what I brought, my comic collection. This is Spiderguy number one. I had to trade three copies of Mr. Stupendous but it was worth it.    Mo waves and walks towards them.     I don't think Mr. Stupendous could ever beat Spiderguy, that’s for sure. And this is...    Arthur runs away. Both George and Mo look surprised.    Oh... Anyway, this is the latest issue of Megametal.

#

Aunt Loretta walks up to Mrs. Read who is barbequing hamburgers.

Aunt Loretta: Hello, dear. I thought I'd just give you a little hand. I know how hard cooking for a crowd can be.

Mrs. Read: Really, Loretta, I'm doing fine.

Aunt Loretta: Nonsense. I just popped into the kitchen and guess what I found?     She takes an object out of a box that looks like a triple spatula.      This FLIP'oMatic I sent you. Doesn’t seem to have been used much. Maybe you don’t know how. Just set the spring like this, slip it under the burgers and then... presto!        She presses a button and three patties fly into the air.             I may have that set a little too high.

A few houses away Mr. Haney steps outside.

Mr. Haney: (sighs)  What a perfect day! The sun is shining, the air is clear, the burgers are... The burgers?!   The three patties land on his head.   Oof. Oof. Oof.   Hmph!    He brushes them off, walks back inside and slams the door.

#

Uncle Sean and his wife, Uncle Bud’s kids, cousin George and D.W. are lined up for a sack race. Mr. Read uses a megaphone. Uncle Bud uses a video camera.

Mr. Read: Okay. Time for fun, fun, fun with the sack race. On your mark... get set...

Uncle Bud: Hold on! Just let me get focused.          Arthur bumps into his dad.

Arthur: Ah! His dad speaks through the megaphone.

Mr. Read: Arthur, wanna join the sack race? It's fun, fun, fun.         Arthur covers his ears.

Arthur: Sorry, Dad, burlap makes me itch. I…I..oh...oh…        He sees Mo coming. He quickly gets into a sack.

Mr. Read: Ready? Get set... Go!      Arthur easily wins the race and keeps hopping around the house.

Uncle Bud: Wow-wee, that Arty's fast for a little fella!     Bud’s son throws his cap on the ground and jumps on it while still in the sack.

Ricky: Grr!

Mr. Read: The race is over, Arthur! Y-you won! Arthur?        Three patties fall on Mr. Read, Mo and Uncle Bud. Aunt Loretta is still holding the FLIP'oMatic.

Aunt Loretta: I guess we could turn it down one more notch.     Mrs. Read facepalms.

#

Uncle Sean, Grandma Thora and Thora’s mother are eating hamburgers. Behind Sean’s back, Arthur is still avoiding cousin Mo.

Uncle Sean: My latest project is an original mystery. It's about a man haunted by his past, on the run from a dreaded enemy. He's hunted everywhere he goes. It seems like there's no escape.

Thora’s Mother: Oh! You mean like The Fugitive? Or Les Misérables? Or just like The Thirty-Nine Steps.

Grandma Thora: Mother!

Uncle Sean: Well, uh, yes, but completely different.     D.W. touches Arthur from behind.

D.W.: Gotcha!

Arthur: Yeeowww!        The grown-ups stare at him.

D.W.: (laughs)

#

Uncle Sean balances an egg on a spoon in his mouth. He is overtaken by Bud’s children and cousin George.

Everybody: (cheer)

Sean’s Wife: Go, Sean, Go! Come on!   No!         Sean falls down.

Uncle Bud: Hey, Ricky! Piece of cake! You're doing it! You're doing it!         Sean is overtaken by Thora’s mother.

Mrs. Read: Come on, Grandma!

Mr.+Mrs. Read: Come on, Grandma! You’re gonna make it!

Uncle Bud: You’re gonna win, Ricky, my boy! You’re gonna…     Ricky stumbles shortly before the finish line. The egg falls on Uncle Bud and breaks.

Mr. Read: Hard boiled next time, huh?         Thora’s mother wins and smashes the egg on the ground.

D.W.: Yay!

#

Uncle Sean is playing charade. The others sit at a table trying to guess and looking bored.

Mr. Read: Bridge Over the River Kwai?

Sean’s Wife: The Bridges Of Madison County?

Aunt Loretta: A Bridge Too Far?           Uncle Sean falls down.

D.W.: London Bridge Is Falling Down?

Thora’s Mother: Oh, we give up! It's been half an hour already.

Uncle Sean: Honestly! “On The Bridges Of Medieval Paris - A record of early fourteenth-century life” by Virginia Wylie Egbert.

Everyone: Oh…

Sean’s Wife: We said pick a popular book.

Uncle Sean: All my friends have read it.     

A table moves near the house. Arthur crawls from under the tablecloth. Mo searches for him.

#

Mr. Read is dressed up as a clown. Wooden clogs lie around him.

Mr. Read: Everybody ready for musical shoes?

Everybody: (groan)

Mrs. Read: Honey, I think everyone's ready to rest now.

Mr. Read: Nonsense! I'm going to make sure that this is a reunion to remember. Now, where’s Arthur? He’s missing all the fun fun...    Thunder rolls. Mrs. Read looks up.

Mrs. Read: Uh-oh.

Mr. Read: I’m sure it’s just a sonic…       Thunder with lightning. It starts pouring.   …boom.

Everybody runs inside in the pouring rain.

#

People are standing inside. Uncle Bud looks at his dripping camera. Sean cleans his glasses.

Mrs. Read: It's probably just a light shower.

Aunt Loretta: Of course, dear. Whatever you say.

#

Arthur is hiding in the basement. D.W. jumps him.

Arthur: Ahh!

D.W.: Arthur, it’s only me.

Arthur: D.W., can’t you just tap me on the shoulder like anyone else?

D.W.: I slept. Hey, maybe the road will wash out and Mo will have to stay with us all week. Wouldn’t that be fun?      Arthur stands paralyzed. D.W. waves her hand in front of his face.   Arthur, are you feeling okay?          Arthur is about to say something when he hears piano music.

Arthur: What’s that?      

Cousin Mo is playing the piano. Arthur sneaks up closer. When he starts walking backwards, Mo plays out of tune. Arthur comes back.

Arthur: No, no, it's...      He plays the part correctly.

Cousin Mo: Oh, you mean like this?        She plays the part correctly. Arthur plays chopsticks, she joins in.

Arthur: When did you learn to play?

Cousin Mo: When I saw you play at the other reunions, it made me wanna learn too. I've been looking for you all day so I could show you.

Arthur: I thought you wanted to decorate me like a Christmas tree or launch me into space!

Cousin Mo: You?? You're my favorite relative! The reason I come to these dumb reunions is to play with you!

Arthur: I'm glad it's the piano this time!

Both: (laugh)

Arthur and Mo play together.

Aunt Loretta: Hey, everybody! Forget my MINCE-omatic demonstration, this is where the real party is!        People start dancing. D.W. looks over Mo’s and Arthur’s shoulders.

Uncle Bud: I don't want to miss a minute of this. Rain or no rain, this has been the biggest and best reunion ever!     Mr. and Mrs. Read kiss.

At night the party continues.