Introduction[]
(The school bell rings and a crowd of kids leaves the building.)
Kids: (Yeah! Let's Go! See you! Bye!)
Buster: Okay, see you!
(Mrs. Baxter is waiting outside the school by her car.)
Buster: Hey, Mom. Up high...
Mrs. Baxter: ...down low...
Buster: ...in the middle...
Mrs. Baxter: ...and away we go!
(They do a complicated handshake.)
Buster+Mrs. Baxter: (laugh)
(They get into their car and drive off. Arthur comes out of the school.)
Arthur: Buster and his mom are really good friends. They do everything together. They go the movies...
(Flashback: Buster and his mom stand in front of the Mill Creek Mall Cinemas advertising ‘Little Robot Monsters’.)
Buster: The animation is terrible. The plot is dumb and the songs give you a headache.
Mrs. Baxter: That's what we said after the first time we saw it.
Buster: I know. Once more and I'm sure we'll be cured.
(They go inside.)
(Flashback: Buster and his mom are in the supermarket. She reads a shopping list while Buster puts the things in the cart.)
Arthur (narrator): They do chores together.
Mrs. Baxter: Detergent, sponge, soap, paper towels...
(The towels are high on a shelf.)
Buster: Hm...
(He makes a lasso out of his scarf and gets down a pack of towels.)
(They race to the checkout. Mrs. Baxter checks a stopwatch.)
Mrs. Baxter: 17 minutes and 54 seconds - a new record.
(Flashback: Buster and his mom have lunch at a restaurant.)
Arthur (narrator): Sometimes, they just go out for lunch together. But all that might change when Buster meets...
(A shadow falls on Buster. In the door stands the silhouette of a man.)
Buster: (gasps)
Mrs. Baxter: My boyfriend.
Buster: Hm?
Title Card: Spaceship[]
(On TV, a young girl calls out of an apartment block’s window.)
Girl (on TV): Help! Help! Bionic Bunny, where are you?!
(Bionic Bunny flies through the air.)
Bionic Bunny (on TV): (gasps) Someone's in trouble!
(He flies into the girl’s apartment.)
Bionic Bunny (on TV): Never fear, Bionic Bunny is here!
Girl (on TV): Oh, thank goodness! I have the most terrible splinter! Could you please take it out?
(Bionic Bunny takes out a pair of pincers and is about to take out the splinter when he notices that the tear coming from the girl’s eye is green.
(Arthur and Buster are both watching in their respective living rooms.)
Arthur+Buster: It's a trap!
(Both point alien detecting devices at the screen. The displays say “Human” (green), “Possible” (purple) and “Alien” (red).)
Arthur: I'm in the red zone.
Buster: Me too! She is such an alien!
(Bionic Bunny is pointing the same kind of device at the girl.)
Bionic Bunny (on TV): You're no little girl! You're...
(The girl morphs into a crab-like monster.)
Kodo (on TV): (evil laugh) Kodo from the Crab Nebula. Prepare to be neutralized!
Arthur+Buster: (gasp)
(Buster’s phone beeps.)
Buster: Oh. Hold on. That's call waiting. Hello? Just a minute. Mom, it's for you!
Mrs. Baxter: Thank you, dear.
(She takes the phone.)
Mrs. Baxter: Yes? Well, hello! (giggles) Why, thank you! (giggles)
***
(Arthur and Buster meet at their lockers. Muffy is at her locker nearby.)
Arthur: You never came back from call waiting. I was on the phone for twenty minutes!
Buster: Sorry, Arthur. My mom took the phone and went into her room. She's been acting real weird lately.
Arthur: How so?
Buster: Well, she smiles all the time. And sometimes, when she's on the phone, she gets all... giggly.
Muffy: Boyfriend.
Buster: What?? My mom does not have a boyfriend.
Muffy: Any unexpected deliveries of flowers lately?
Buster: Hm, now that you mention it...
Muffy: When she's doing something, does she stop suddenly, stare into space and sigh like this: (sighs)
Buster: Well... just once or twice.
Muffy: I rest my case: boyfriend.
(She walks away.)
Buster: Maybe she does have a boyfriend. But who?
***
(In class, Mr. Ratburn hands back reports.)
Mr. Ratburn: Your book reports were all satisfactory, with a few exceptions.
Buster: Great, another F!
(He sees an A on his report.)
Buster: What?? This can't be mine!
(He flips through the report and finds a cheese stain.)
Buster: (gasps) It is! That's my pizza stain!
***
(At lunch, Arthur and Buster sit in the cafeteria.)
Buster: I'm telling you, Arthur, it's him. Mr. Ratburn's my mother's boyfriend!
Arthur: That's ridiculous!
Buster: Oh, yeah? Well, look at this! When was the last time I got an A in his class?
Arthur: Well...
(He takes a bite of an apple and thinks.)
Buster: He probably gave it to me so I'd like him better. Oh, this is the end! I'm doomed! (gasps) First, he'll come over to dinner.
(Buster imagines Mr. Ratburn having dinner with the Baxters. They are just finishing the cake.)
Mrs. Baxter: (giggles)
Mr. Ratburn: Delightful dinner, my dear. Well, Buster, only one slice left. Guess the number I'm thinking of between 1 and 10 and it's yours.
Buster: Oh. 7?
Mr. Ratburn: No, it was 3.141592675, also known as pi. Get it – pi? Pie? (laughs)
(He eats the last slice in one gulp.)
Buster (narrator): And then they'll get... married.
(Buster imagines Mr. Ratburn and Bitzi getting married by an Elvis impersonator in Las Vegas.)
Elvis: Do you, Nigel Charles Ratburn, take Bitzi Lynn Baxter to have and to hold, for better or for worse, through sickness and health, from this day forward till death do you part?
Mr. Ratburn: I do. But I must tell you, sir, that's a run-on sentence. Try breaking it up with a few periods.
(Elvis looks taken aback. Buster covers his face in shame.)
Buster (narrator): Then they'll have... (gulps) ...children!
(Buster imagines sitting in the living room while two little children pull at his arm and ear.)
Little Boy 1: Read to me! Read me a big book! In French!
Little Girl: Let's play algebra!
(Another child drops a chemistry set.)
Little Boy 2: Whoa! Daddy! Buster broke my chemistry set!
Buster: Augh!!
(The fantasies end. Buster is screaming in the cafeteria and several kids stare at him.)
Arthur: Keep it down! He's coming this way.
Mr. Ratburn enters the cafeteria.
Buster: Arthur, you've gotta do something. Tell him my mother's ugly and, and crazy.
Arthur: No!
(Mr. Ratburn passes the boys table.)
Mr. Ratburn: Buster, Arthur.
Arthur: Er, Mr. Ratburn, did you know that Buster's mother... has giant lizards that she feeds rats to?
Mr. Ratburn: Really? I love lizards. I used to have a Gila monster named Morty, but I never fed him rats. Fascinating.
(He walks on.)
Buster: Oh, great! Now the house is gonna be full of lizards too. Thanks a lot!
Arthur: I couldn't think of anything!
***
(Mrs. Baxter sits on her bed and phones.)
Mrs. Baxter: Dinner on Friday sounds great. (giggles) Just let me run it by Buster. Bye! (giggles)
(She hangs up and goes to the door. When she opens it, Buster, who has been eavesdropping, falls into the room. He gets on his knees.)
Buster: Oof! Plea-ea-ease don't marry Mr. Ratburn, Mom! He'll... he'll give you homework. He'll... he'll make you re-do your pies.
Mrs. Baxter: Marry Mr. Ratburn?! Buster, what are you talking about?
Buster: Well... all those flowers and phone calls... That's him, right?
Mrs. Baxter: That's not Nigel Ratburn, Buster. That's Harry Mills.
Buster: It isn't Mr. Ratburn? Whoopee! Ya-ha-ha!
Mrs. Baxter: Would it be all right with you if he had dinner with us on Friday?
Buster: Sure! Wait a minute. Who's Harry Mills?
***
(Arthur and Buster walk down the street with a baseball and two mitts.)
Buster: All I know is that he writes about sports for the newspaper, tells jokes and loves kids.
Arthur: He sounds great.
Buster: Yeah. Too great.
Buster: Arthur, what if he's... He looks around. ...one of them.
Arthur: What do you mean?
Buster: You know. An alien.
(Buster imagines having dinner with his mom and an android.)
Horseshoe: You'll just love what's for dessert - you!
(He opens a pie box and presses a button on the pie. A beam of light rises up and Mrs. Baxter, Buster & Horseshoe (disguised as android) disappears and appears in a spaceship.)
Buster+Mrs. Baxter: Augh!
(The android transformes into a crab monster, like the one from Bionic Bunny.)
Horseshoe: Kodo, my lord, I bring you two fresh Earthlings!
(Kodo sits in a chair and puts on a bib with a picture of an anthropomorphic aardvark boy.)
Kodo: Good work, Horseshoe.
Kodo advances on the Baxters.
Buster+Mrs. Baxter: Augh!!
(The fantasy ends.)
Arthur: Buster, he's not an alien.
Buster: How do you know? Do you have proof?
Arthur: I don't need proof.
Buster: Well, you're probably right, but it doesn't hurt to be sure!
(He takes an alien-detecting device out of his pocket.)
***
(On Friday evening in the living room, Buster turns on the TV. It shows a game show.)
Show Host (on TV): Is that your final answer?
(Buster points the device at the screen. It shows red.)
Buster: It works!)
(The doorbell rings.
Mrs. Baxter (offscreen): Buster, could you get it? I'm not ready yet.
(Buster walks into the hallway and hesitates. He slowly walks to the door and opens it with the door chain attached. Outside is a kind looking man.)
Buster: (gasps)
Harry Mills: Knock, knock.
Buster: Who's there?
Harry Mills: Venice.
Buster: Venice who?
Harry Mills: Ven-ice you gonna invite me in?
Buster: (laughs)
(He unfastens the chain and opens the door.)
Harry Mills: Hi, Buster, I'm Harry.
(He comes in and steps on Buster’s device.)
Harry Mills: Whoops! Sorry!
Buster: Hmm...
(He looks suspicious.)
***
(The Baxters and Harry Mills have dinner.)
Harry Mills: And by the time the batter slid into home, all he had on was his boxer shorts.
(Buster is about to take a drink.)
Buster: (splutters, laughs)
Mrs. Baxter: Buster Baxter! Where are your manners?
Buster: (coughs) It wasn't my fault! He's making me laugh!
Harry Mills: He's right. I'm sorry. I tell funny stories when I'm nervous, and...
(He widens his shirt collar.)
Mrs. Baxter: Harry, your tie!
(Harry’s tie hangs in the soup.)
Harry Mills: (chuckles) Actually... it looks better with crab chowder on it.
All: (laugh)
***
(After dinner, Harry puts down his spoon.)
Harry Mills: That was delicious. Now, how about a little dessert?
(He puts a pie box on the table.)
(Buster imagines Harry opening the box to reveal a pie with a button in the middle.)
Harry Mills: (evil laugh)
(He presses the button and the teleportation beam starts.)
Buster: Augh!
(The fantasy ends. Buster looks worried.)
Mrs. Baxter: I'll get some plates.
Harry Mills: Let me help you.
(He follows Mrs. Baxter. Buster carefully opens the box.)
Buster: (gasps)
(The pie looks quite normal. Buster presses on the middle of it.)
Buster: Phew.
(He licks his finger as Harry comes back with plates.)
Harry Mills: Ah, you do like Boston cream pie, don't you?
Buster: Yup. Mm, actually, it's my favorite!
Harry Mills: Mine too!
***
(Harry and the Baxters say goodbye at the door. Buster is wearing his pajamas.)
Harry Mills: Thanks for having me over, Buster. I had a great time.
Buster: Me too.
(They shake hands, then Buster leaves.)
Mrs. Baxter: I'll come tuck you in in just a minute.
Buster: (thinks:) Well, even if he is an alien, he sure is a nice one.
(He looks back at his mom and Harry holding hands.)
Mrs. Baxter+Harry Mills: (laugh)
(Buster does look a bit worried when he goes into his room.)
***
(A bit later, Mrs. Baxter tucks Buster in.)
Mrs. Baxter: So... what did you think of Harry?
Buster: He's okay.
Mrs. Baxter: You didn't like him, did you? (sighs) Well, we don't have to see him again if you don't want to.
Buster: No, I did like him. Really. It's just that... you and I won't hang out as much because you'll be spending all your time with Harry.
Mrs. Baxter: That's not going to happen, Buster. You're always going to be the most important person in my life.
Buster: Promise?
Mrs. Baxter: I promise. Up high...
Buster: ...down low...
(They shake hands and hug.)
***
(Some days later, Harry and the Baxters watch an ice-hockey game at the Elwood City Arena. A player scores.)
Buster: Yes! Did you see that, Harry? What a shot!
(Mr. Ratburn stands beside them wearing a giant hand.)
Mr. Ratburn: (clears throat) I just wanted to let you know, I’ve done some research and you shouldn't feed big lizards rats. It makes them sluggish.
(He leaves.)
Mrs. Baxter: What on Earth is he talking about?
Buster: Who knows? Maybe he's...
Buster+Harry Mills: One of them!
(Both take out alien-detecting devices and point them at Mr. Ratburn.)
Harry Mills: Yup! Definitely an alien!
(They both grin.)