Introduction[]
Buster walks to what looks like the community garden.
Buster: Many of you know that I have a community garden full of fresh fruits and vegetables. But did you know I also have a comedy garden? Come on, I'll show you around!
He enters and walks to a bush with red fruit.
Buster: Here's my clown nose bush.
He presses a green nose and produces a low honking sound.
Buster: Mmm, this one's not quite ready.
He presses a red nose and produces a squeaky sound.
Buster: Haha! This one's perfect!
He turns to flowers looking like large marguerites.
Buster: Here's where I grow the squirting flowers. (sniffs flower) Ahh...smells like comedy. The flower squirts in his face. (laughs) And if you look over here I've got some...whoa! He slips on a patch of banana peels. Forgot I put the banana peel patch here.
He walks to a tree that has paper notes for leaves.
Buster: But my most prized possession in the whole garden is this, my joke tree! Each branch bears a hysterical new joke, like this one... He picks a leaf. “What's the one word a dog can say? Bark!” (chuckles) Get it? Actually, that one's kind of old. Let's try this one. He picks another leaf. Behind him, leaves begin to fall. “What's black and white and red all over? A newspaper!” Wait a minute...everyone knows that one! “Why did the chicken cross the road?!” That's the oldest one in the book! (gasps) What's going on?!
He climbs a ladder while more and more leaves fall.
Buster: (pants) This one's gonna be good, I promise! He picks the last leaf. “What does someone say when he reaches the top of a dead tree? Ahhh!” Huh? I don't get it. The tree falls to the side. Ahhh! I'm okay. (giggles nervously)
Title Card: Buster falls in his room[]
Buster, Muffy, Francine and Arthur sit at a wooden table in the Lakewood Elementary schoolyard.
Buster: So a couple of sausages are sizzling in a frying pan. One sausage turns to the other and says, "Man, is it hot in here?!" And the other sausage says, "Oh, my gosh - a talking sausage!" (All laugh) Arthur squirts milk out of his nose. (laughs) Doesn't that joke kill?!
Arthur: Ow! Well, my nose sure feels dead.
***
Buster, Arthur and Binky stand at a water fountain in a school corridor. Arthur is drinking.
Buster: And then he says, "Oh, my gosh - a talking sausage!"
Arthur squirts water out of his nose.
(Binky laughs)
He walks away.
Arthur: Could you warn me next time?
Buster: Pretty great, huh?! Ahh, it never fails. *** He enacts the joke with two hot dogs in the cafeteria. Oh, my gosh - a talking sausage! Arthur, Binky and Muffy just stare at him. Get it? See? I'm a sausage and I'm talking. "Hi, guys, la la la la..."
Muffy: We got it the 1st time.
Arthur: And the 2nd... and 3rd.
Binky: The funny part was when water shot out of Arthur's nose! Can you do that again?
Arthur: No way! I actually never thought it was that funny. It was just that creepy image of a talking sausage... eugh! It made me snort! Are you done telling it? I'm really thirsty.
Buster: Yeah, I'm done. Finished. Kaput. (sighs) I think I need another dessert.
~~~
Buster holds a fruit salad in the lunch line while Mrs. MacGrady holds the salad bowl.
Mrs. MacGrady: Of course, you're still funny, Buster.
Buster: Ah, I don't know. That joke used to always work, now I can't even get a giggle.
Mrs. MacGrady: That's just 'cause you're using day-old bread.
Buster: No, I was using hot dogs. You think I should use bread instead?
Mrs. MacGrady: What I mean is, you need some new jokes. Would you like it if I served the same thing everyday?
Buster: Hm... Could it be cake?
Mrs. MacGrady: Don't worry, Buster, you'll make ‘em laugh again. Just go get some fresh material. And this time, make it something that doesn't involve playing with your lunch.
He leaves.
Buster: Thanks a lot, Mrs. MacGrady.
***
Buster comes out of “Elwood City Books” with a book.
Buster: “Horst Schichter's Compendium of Comedy” - this is exactly what I need!
***
That night, Buster reads the book with a flashlight on his bed. He underlines a passage.
***
Buster gets some colorful clothes out of the wardrobe.
***
Buster stands in front of a mirror dressed as a clown. He puts on some oversized shoes and falls over them.
Buster: Oof! (laughs)
***
Buster steps out from behind a tree in the Barnes’ yard.
Buster: Hi, ladies and germs. Welcome to The Great Baxterini's Prop Comedy Show. Oh, what a great crowd!
The only audience is Binky who slowly claps. Buster walks to a table with a watermelon and puts on protective goggles.
Buster: Now, remember, don't try this at home!
Binky looks around.
Binky: I am at home.
Buster: Now, you don't like to have seeds in your watermelon, do you, sir? Well, this is how I like to get them out. He takes a hammer and tries to smash the melon. Instead, the hammer’s head falls off. (laughs weakly) Buster unsuccessfully tries to smash the melon with a rock. (strains) Next, he runs and kicks the melon. He hurts himself and hops on one foot. Ow! Wow, does that hurt! Binky shakes his head. Buster throws the melon down on the sidewalk. It bounces away and Buster chases it. Wait! Come back!
Binky gets up. Buster drops the melon from a tree and it finally breaks. He looks out of the tree.
Buster: There! Wasn't that... hysterical?!
Binky: You're gonna clean this up, right?
He eats a piece of melon.
(Buster sighs)
***
Buster does stand-up comedy behind the school using a carrot as a microphone. His audience are Brain and Muffy.
Buster: You know, there are things I notice every day at this school that are just hysterical, like the seesaw. It doesn't look like a “C”, or a saw. Why is it called that? Maybe they should just call it the "I don't see the point saw". (laughs)
Muffy: Pfft!
Buster takes a bite out of the carrot.
Buster: Hey, I've got a question for you. If fish swim in schools, do they get homework? Brain and Muffy give him blank looks. Buster wipes his forehead. See, it's funny because their school is not like our school... (clears throat) He drinks a glass of water. Hey, what's up with monkey bars? Why aren't there any monkeys... on them?
Brain: Because there are no wild monkeys in North America. I suppose one could escape from a zoo...
Muffy: Huh! That'd be scary. My dad knew someone who was bitten by a monkey once.
Brain: Oh, that can be quite dangerous. Did he get a rabies shot?
Buster: Okay, okay, forget the monkey bars. Hey, you know what's funny...?
Brain: Yes, “funny” is an adjective. Definition - causing laughter or amusement. Synonyms are comical, humorous, droll...
Muffy: I'll tell you what funny isn't... this!
She points at Buster who drops the carrot and droops his ears.
Buster: Oh, never mind.
He walks away.
***
Arthur and Buster stand in the Baxters’ kitchen by a table full of assorted pies. Buster holds the book.
Buster: According to Horst Schichter's “Compendium of Comedy”, this has to get a laugh.
Arthur: I don't know, Buster. I feel kind of funny about this.
Buster: Funny is good! Hold that thought. Now let's get started.
Arthur: Are you sure you want me to?
Buster: Arthur, if you are truly my friend, you will hit me in the face with that pie.
Arthur does and stares at Buster.
Buster: Why aren't you laughing?
Arthur: Because it wasn't funny!
Buster: Try the cherry.
Arthur throws various pies in Buster’s face. Eventually, Buster and part of the kitchen, are covered with pie fillings.
Buster: (sputters) Anything?
Arthur: Sorry. All I feel is grossed out!
Buster: I don't understand. This is supposed to be a guaranteed laugh! Aww. There's quiche in the fridge. Let's try that!
Mrs. Baxter comes in.
Mrs. Baxter: What is going on here?!
Buster: Umm, Arthur's helping me with my comedy homework.
Mrs. Baxter looks angry.
***
A short while later, Arthur has gone and Buster is cleaning the kitchen floor while his mom drinks coffee.
Buster: So, I've been experimenting with all different types of comedy but no matter what I do I still can't get a laugh.
Mrs. Baxter: Well, I think you're funny.
Buster sits down.
Buster: Thanks, but you're my mom. You'd even laugh at my mitten joke.
Mrs. Baxter: What's your mitten joke?
Buster: What did the mitten say to the hat? I'll stay here, you go on ahead. (Mrs. Baxter laughs) See?
Mrs. Baxter: Well, I know something that'll cheer you up.
She hands him a newspaper.
Buster: “This Sunday at Elwood City Books, comedian Vince Ruckles will sign copies of his autobiography, ‘My Yucky Life’.” (gasps) Vince Ruckles, he's my hero! I have all his CDs.
Mrs. Baxter: I know. You and your father did his routines for hours and hours.
Buster: Can we go, Mom, please, please, pretty please?
Mrs. Baxter: Only if you promise never to do your comedy homework in my kitchen again!
Buster nods.
***
Vince Ruckles is giving autographs in the bookstore. Mr. Molina is the first in line.
Vince Ruckles: Molina... any relation to Stanwood Molina?
Mr. Molina: No, who is he?
Vince Ruckles: Beats me, he's not a relative of mine either. Next!
It is Buster’s turn.
Vince Ruckles: Hey, kid, who do I make it out to?
Buster: Umm… Buster Baxter.
Vince Ruckles: Is that two Ms in the "Umm"?
Buster: (laughs) You haven't lost your touch, Mr. Ruckles. I wish I could say the same.
Vince Ruckles: What happened, kid? You sprain your funny bone?
Buster: Broke it is more like it. I bet you never went through a slump where you couldn't make anyone laugh.
Vince Ruckles: Are you kidding?! Read chapters 2 through 12.
Buster: What did you do about it?
Vince Ruckles: I stopped trying to be funny.
Buster: (laughs) That's a good one.
Vince Ruckles: Actually, that wasn't a joke. Trying to be funny is like trying to have fun. Usually, the harder you try, the less fun it is.
Buster: So what do I do?
Vince Ruckles: Just be yourself, and if you can't do that, be Whoopie Stuttlemeyer.
Buster: Who's that?
Vince Ruckles: I dunno, but at least she's got a funny name! Next!
Buster takes his book and leaves.
***
Buster stands in the lunch line at school
Mrs. MacGrady: I bet I know what you want, Buster. A pair of talking hot dogs?
Buster: Actually, I think I'll have the fish sticks instead.
Mrs. MacGrady exchanges the plates.
Mrs. MacGrady: Let me guess, you've got some fish jokes up your sleeve.
Buster: A fish joke? I wish. When I look at my lunch, I just see food.
Mrs. MacGrady: Seafood? Oh-hoho, I get it, that's a good one!
Buster: It is? Huh, I wasn't even fishing for a laugh.
Mrs. MacGrady: Hahahaha, you're on fire today!
Buster leaves.
***
Buster walks to a table where Arthur, Binky and Muffy are sitting.
Buster: Hey, guys.
Muffy: So, what kind of comedy are you trying today? Knock-knock jokes?
Buster: No, I'm done trying to be funny. I may never be funny again. But at least I won't have whipped cream in my ears. (Arthur chuckles) What? It's true! I also found some cherry filling in my shoes. At least my feet smell good.
(Others laugh)
Muffy: Is this a new stand-up routine?
Buster: No way! I'd rather do sit-ups than stand-up. And I'm never going to kick a watermelon again, only zucchinis.
Binky: Why zucchinis?
Buster: They squash. (Others laugh) He smiles. Thank you, Vince Ruckles. Okay, can we eat lunch already? My fish sticks are turning into fish stones.
Arthur squirts juice out of his nose.
Arthur: You made me do it again!
Buster: It's not my fault. Stop laughing!
Arthur: You stop being funny!
Buster: I'm trying! Okay, everyone think serious thoughts. Everyone is quiet for a moment, then they burst out laughing. (All laugh) That so did not work!