Introduction[]
Arthur jumps into a pile of fall leaves in the yard.
Arthur: Charge! (laughs) Pal jumps after him and licks his face. There are some moments I wish I could repeat again and again. This is one of them. He pats Pal, then comes out of the leaf pile. Another one is when I pulled that sword from the stone at the medieval fair and became the new king.
A flashback shows Arthur pulling out the sword from the stone in “The Return of the King”.
Kids: (gasp)
The flashback ends.
Arthur: For Buster, it might be that Father's Day when his dad bought him a balloon ride.
A flashback shows Buster riding a balloon with his dad.
Arthur: I bet I know the moment Mr. Ratburn would like to repeat again.
A flashback shows Mr. Ratburn in class on the first day of the third-grade.
Mr. Ratburn: What better way to start off our first day together than with a pop quiz?
Class: (groan)
Mr. Ratburn: (sighs) I will cherish this moment forever.
The flashback ends.
Arthur: For D.W., it's probably when she saved that snowball in that...
D.W.: No, it isn't! It's the time I got the Tibbles back for teasing me. Nothing tastes as sweet as revenge. Charge!
She jumps into the leaf pile.
Title Card: D.W. as Fairy[]
The following scenes take place some time ago. Mr. Pelato, the barber, is dressed as a clown and shows D.W. a bunny-shaped pair of scissors. D.W. sits on a car-shaped seat in the barbershop while her mom reads a magazine.
Mr. Pelato: Okay, now the bunny, he's gonna come and take a little nibble off your head.
D.W.: I don't want the bunny to nibble off my head! And if you're a clown, what are you doing in a barber's shop?
Mrs. Read: D.W., that's not polite. I'm sorry, Mr. Pelato, she's usually not this bad.
Mr. Pelato: Oh, please. Last week I had the Tibbles. Lucky for me they don't have a lot of hair. Just close the eyes, don't move, and you can have a sugarless lollipop when we finish.
D.W.: This is so unfair. Why does my hair have to be cut anyway? It never hurt anyone.
Nadine: Don't worry. It'll grow back. I just got mine cut an hour ago.
D.W.: Nadine? Nadine sits in another car chair with a fancy hairdo that reaches to her toes. Ooh, I like it!
Mr. Pelato cuts a strand of hair.
Nadine: (gasps) Um... I think I better go. Ciao.
She disappears.
Mr. Pelato: (gasps) What a mess!
D.W.: What? Is it over? Do I get my lollipop now?
Mr. Pelato: Er...here. Take the whole bucket.
D.W. sees herself in the mirror. Half of her fringe is gone.
D.W.: Aaargh!
Two construction workers outside stop and look.
***
D.W. and Emily are standing by their cubbies at preschool. D.W. is wearing an Inca hat.
Emily: Oh, come on. You can show me. I promise I won't laugh.
D.W.: (sighs)
She reveals a boyish haircut.
Emily: (giggles)
D.W.: You promised you wouldn't laugh!
Emily: That was a cough, I swear! (coughs unconvincingly)
D.W.: You're a terrible liar. We have to work on that if the Tibbles are going to believe I have hairotosis.
Emily: What's that?
D.W.: The disease I made up to explain why I have to wear this hat all the... She notices the Tibbles behind her. Busted.
Tommy: Hey, nice haircut.
D.W.: Really? You think so? Wow, thanks!
Timmy: You must be D.W.'s brother. Can we call you David?
Tommy: Actually, he looks more like a Dennis.
Timmy: You're right. Welcome to preschool... Dennis.
D.W.: Oh! I should have known better. Well, my hair might be short but you two look like... um... The Tibbles and Emily look expectantly. Argh!
Tommy: Okay! Well, see you around, Dennis.
The Tibbles high-five and leave.
Emily: What about hairless mole rats? That could have been a good comeback!
D.W.: You're a little late!
She puts on her hat and leaves.
***
That evening, Arthur clips Pal’s claws on his bed. D.W. stands beside the bed in her pajamas.
D.W.: It was awful! I had nothing! I just stood there with my mouth hanging open. This is all your fault!
Arthur: My fault? How is this my fault?
He gives Pal a dog biscuit.
D.W.: You never taught me any good comebacks. What do you say when you get teased for being boring?
Arthur: I'm not boring!
D.W.: Arthur, this isn't about you. I'm the one with helmet head. Now, are you gonna help me or not?
Arthur: Okay, okay! Well, when someone says something mean to me, here's what I say back.
***
D.W. talks to the Tibbles who are burying a Paradise and Mod Polly in the preschool sandbox.
D.W.: I know you are but what am I? Ha!
Timmy: You're Dennis Read, D.W.'s twin brother. Do you feel all right, Dennis?
D.W.: I feel fi... Hey! I'm not Dennis!
She sits down on a stool in a corner of the sandbox. Nadine appears and gives her juice from a carton.
Nadine: Okay, it was a good try, but they were on to you. Use the other one Arthur gave you.
She holds a bucket for D.W. to spit into. D.W. walks back into the ring.
D.W.: All right, come on, say something!
Tommy: You're so smart and funny.
D.W.: I'm rubber, you're glue, whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you! Ha!
Tommy: Okay. Thanks for the compliment, Dennis.
D.W.: Wait! That wasn't... Arghh!
She walks away in a huff.
Timmy+Tommy: (laugh)
Arthur and D.W. talk to Rattles and Binky who are on the jungle gym.
Rattles: Why don't you just ignore the Tibbles?
D.W.: Ignore them? That's it? You guys are supposed to have great comebacks. You're bullies!
Rattles: We're not bullies. We're kids who have a hard time expressing our emotions in a constructive manner.
Binky: I know what you should call them - bibliophiles.
Arthur: A bibliophile is someone who loves books. Why would she call them that?
Binky: I don't know. I just like the way it sounds. Bibliophile!
Rattles: Oh, yeah? Well, you're a...an... an autodidact.
D.W.: Oh, forget it. The Tough Customers are even worse at comebacks than you.
She leaves with Arthur.
Binky: Philanthropist!
Rattles: Humanitarian!
***
Mrs. MacGrady cooks Indian food at her house while Grandma Thora watches. D.W. sits at the kitchen table looking glum.
Mrs. MacGrady: Indian food was one of the things I really missed when I was sick. Now I get a new recipe every day from my sister who's travelling there.
Grandma Thora: It smells divine, Leah. Doesn't it, D.W.?
D.W.: I'm not hungry. I wish Killer could talk. I bet she knows some good comebacks.
Killer viciously shakes a toy penguin.
Mrs. MacGrady: How about this one: "You're as friendly as a cactus and have the brains of a fly, and when you smile, you look so vile, you could make an onion cry.”
Grandma Thora: Well, Leah MacGrady!
D.W.: It's perfect! You're a genius. Say it again. I have to memorize it so I can use it against the Tibbles.
Mrs. MacGrady: Whoa, there. I didn't know I was stepping into the middle of a feud.
Grandma Thora: Why don't you just try ignoring them, D.W.?
D.W.: Everyone says that. Why should I? They started it. I'm just defending myself.
Mrs. MacGrady: You do have a point. But before you decide what to do, I'd like you to listen to a story. It comes from the Panchatantra, a collection of Indian tales that's literally thousands of years old.
She shows a book. The story becomes animated.
In the story, a tortoise is swimming in a lake. Two geese sit on a rock.
Mrs. MacGrady (narrator): Once there was a tortoise, who lived in a lake with two geese friends. There were plenty of fish to eat, and room to swim about, and they were all as happy as can be. Then the lake dried up. This was bad for the geese. They would have to find a new lake. But for the tortoise, it was much worse. He moved so slowly, it would take him months, maybe years, to find another home. He might not make it.
Tortoise: (sobs)
Mrs. MacGrady (narrator): The geese decided to help their friend out. If the tortoise held a stick in his mouth, the geese could grab the ends and fly him to a new lake. There was only one catch: the tortoise wouldn't be able to talk during the flight. And he was a very chatty tortoise.
Tortoise: You think this'll hurt my beak? When will we stop for a bathroom break? Will the new lake have frogs? They keep me up at night. Don't fly too fast. If it's worth getting there, it's worth getting there in one piece. Who's got the map? Will we bring fish? If I don't eat, I get cranky. What kind of wood is this? Oak wood would've been better. You couldn't get oak. You should've asked me. I know a beaver, gets me great oak.
The geese stuff the stick in the tortoise’s mouth and carry him off.
Mrs. MacGrady (narrator): Everything was going fine until a duck flew along. She thought the flying tortoise was the silliest thing she'd ever seen.
Duck: Haha! Quack, quack, quack. Hey, look! It's Air Tortoise. Do the peanuts on that flight come with or without shells? Ha! You look like a flying saucer that's being towed.
Mrs. MacGrady (narrator): It was getting harder and harder for the tortoise to keep his mouth closed.
Duck: Are you driving an automatic or a stick shift? Hey! Hey! What's the difference between you and every other tortoise? About a thousand feet! Quack!
Mrs. MacGrady (narrator): Finally, the tortoise had had all he could take.
Tortoise: Oh, yeah?! Well, you are quackers! He notices gravity and falls. Aaaarrrrgh!
The story ends. The women and D.W. are now sitting in the living room.
Mrs. MacGrady: And the poor tortoise fell and fell until... A laptop beeps. That's my sister calling from India. You two set the table, I'll just be a minute. She sits down at a small table. Her sister Martha appears on the screen standing in an Indian temple. Martha! Where are you now?
Martha: In a town called Bodh Gaya with the most amazing trees!
Behind her, two boys play with El Boomerang. They kick it past the laptop.
***
That night, D.W. puts away her toys while Nadine sits on D.W.’s bed doing her hair.
Nadine: So what was the moral of the story? Keep the stick in your mouth when you're flying with geese?
D.W.: I'm not sure, I forgot to ask. But I did remember part of Mrs. MacGrady's comeback. If the Tibbles call me Dennis again, they're gonna get it. She gets into bed and turns off the light. (yawns) Goodnight, Nadine.
Nadine: (yawns) Goodnight, D.W.
She disappears.
D.W.: (sighs)
In her dream, D.W. hears voices. The tortoise and duck form the story are having a tea party in her room.
Duck: Quackers?! Of course I'm quackers! I'd have to be to hang out with you.
Tortoise: No one's forcing you. Why don't you make like a tree and leave?
Duck: Ha! You wouldn't last a day without me.
Tortoise: Maybe not, but at least it'd be a happy day.
D.W. walks over to them.
D.W.: Hey! You guys are from that Indian story. So, did you eventually become friends?
Tortoise: Friends, are you kidding me?! I'd rather be friends with a snake.
He pours D.W. tea.
Duck: A snake wouldn't be your friend if you paid him. Crumpet?
D.W.: No, thanks. I don't like to eat while I'm dreaming. So, why are you two together if you don't like each other?
Tortoise: Every time Featherbrain teases me, I have to tease her back.
Duck: Then I have to tease Slowpoke back.
D.W.: But if you constantly have to get each other back, then you'll be at it forever.
Duck: It's only been two thousand years so far. She gets off her chair and pulls the tortoise down as well, since they are chained together by the legs. Oh, we're also chained together.
D.W.: (gasps)
Duck: It was his fault, he put the cuffs on.
Tortoise: Yeah. But she lost the key. The duck flies out of the window pulling the tortoise behind her. The tortoise hits his head. Oof!
D.W. looks thoughtful.
The dream ends. D.W. wakes up in the morning.
***
D.W. walks into the preschool classroom.
D.W.: Hey, Emily!
Tommy: Hi, Dennis. How's D.W.? We haven't seen her in a while.
D.W.: Oh, yeah?! Well, you two have the brains of a... She sees James with a toy tortoise and duck. You know what? It's not worth my time. Call me whatever you want, I really don't care.
She walks away with James and Emily. The Tibbles look surprised.
***
The flashbacks end. D.W. is talking to Arthur as she did in the introduction.
D.W.: After a few more times, they gave up. Then my hair grew back. But from then on, I had a new method for dealing with the Tibbles. I call it Keeping the Stick in the Mouth.
Arthur: But I thought you said nothing tasted as sweet as revenge?
D.W.: Oh. Mrs. Morgan saw the whole thing. She said I had behaved very maturely and gave me a brownie. It was delicious.
Arthur: One more?
He and D.W. get ready.
Arthur+D.W.: Charge!
They jump into the leaf pile together.