Fern's Detective Tango

"Fern's Detective Tango" is Track 14 of the album Arthur's Really Rockin' Music Mix. The song is a musical retelling of the events of "Binky Rules" from the perspective of Fern Walters, with commentary from Binky Barnes, as well brief comments from Buster Baxter and Arthur Read. Its genre is tango.

Lyrics

[Fern]

A missing book, a stolen pen

I must remind you to call me when

You've got something of a mystery

Call me--Fern, detective!

[Binky]

(Somebody's gotta help me! I'm in big trouble. The writing's on the wall, and the pathway, and the lockers, and it's my name, but I didn't do it!)

[Fern]

Touch nothing! Trust me--Fern, detective!

First, I'll check the clues

Muddy prints from muddy shoes

I'm on the trail

But this paint just won't compute

(Buster, get off the clue!)

[Buster]

(Oh, shoot!)

[Fern]

(I suppose I'll just have to guess... yes!)

Buster was out playing ball

Muffy, in the classroom down the hall

Arthur wouldn't have the guts!

[Arthur]

(Hey!)

[Fern]

Binky!

[Binky]

(Yeah?)

[Fern]

J'accuse! (I accuse!)

[Binky]

(What does that mean?)

[Fern]

When I crack the big case

The school will come to me

They'll ask "Fern, how'd you do it?"

I'll say "It was elementary!"

I used my little gray cells

To deduce who, how and why

[Binky]

(But I'm telling you, I didn't do it!)

[Fern]

(Be quiet, Binky!)

The facts don't lie!

When your back's against the wall

And you're afraid you'll take the fall

When no one else would have the guts

Call me--Fern, detective!

[Binky]

(Don't do it! Don't call her! I was framed!)

Trivia

• J'accuse (French for I accuse) is the title of a famous newspaper article by Émile Zola. Published in 1898, it accused the French government of wrongly imprisoning Alfred Dreyfus for espionage.
• "It was elementary" refers to Sherlock Holmes; "little gray cells" to Hercule Poirot.