Fern and Persimmony Glitchet[]
Introduction[]
A fairy tale book opens. On one page, Fern walks down a path past a cottage where Cinderella (Muffy) is scrubbing the front steps while her stepmother (Francine) bosses her around.
Fern: We all love the story of Cinderella.
Francine: After this, you can weed the garden, clean the carpets and wash all the windows!
She goes inside.
Fern: But would we love it as much if the wicked stepmother had been a kind and caring person?
The stepmother comes out again.
Francine: Never mind. I'll finish this up. Here, you'd better go change for the ball.
She gives Cinderella a fine dress.
Muffy: Oh, thank you, kind stepmother!
Fern stands in front of a giant beanstalk. Jack (Arthur) is climbing it.
Fern: And what if Jack didn't have to run from the giant?
The giant (Binky) comes out of the castle holding a basket with a harp, a goose and golden eggs.
Binky: Fee fi fo fum, I like to share with everyone.
Arthur: Gee, thanks.
Goose: (honks)
Fern watches Little Red Riding Hood (D.W.) walk up to her grandmother’s cottage.
Fern: And imagine the story of Little Red Riding Hood without the big, bad wolf.
D.W. knocks. Grandma Thora opens, accompanied by a friendly nonanthropomorphic wolf.
D.W.: Oh, Grandma, what strong arms you have.
Grandma Thora: All the better to hug you with, my dear. They hug. So, how was your trip through the woods?
D.W.: It was perfectly boring. The wolf licks her face. Yuck! Hey, you, narrator! If there's no big bad wolf in my story, then what's the point?
Title Card: Fern Writes[]
Fern and Francine meet in the library.
Fern: I just finished number thirteen in “A Series of Horrendously Horrible Happenings”.
Francine: Me too.
Fern: Don't you love the ending with all three Bronte children dangling from a cable car over the Alarming Alps?
Francine: But I wanna know what happens next.
Fern approaches Miss Turner.
Fern: How much longer until book fourteen is out?
Miss Turner: Ten more weeks. The Horrendously Horrible books sure are popular.
Fern: I remember how much I liked the very first one, “The Calamitous Commencement”...
The scene is shown in a fantasy. Duke Vladimir and three children walk on a theater stage.
Fern (narrator): ...when Duke Vladimir first kidnaps the Bronte orphans during his magic act.
He ties a rope around the children and they hop into a wardrobe.
Duke Vladimir: And now, before your very eyes I shall make them disappear. One! Two! Three!
He points his staff at the wardrobe and it disappears in smoke.
Audience: Ooh!
Duke Vladimir: The stage manager has informed me that it is time for her next act. And since the show must go on, I will be unable to make the children reappear during tonight's performance. Thank you and good night!
He bows.
The fantasy ends.
Francine: And what about book number ten, “The Awful Aquarium?”
Count Vladimir has the Bronte baby in a cage and uses a crane to move it over a shark tank.
Francine (narrator): They find a happy home with their Uncle Mac the ichthyologist, but then Duke Vladimir ruins everything.
Baby Bronte: Vlad!
Duke Vladimir: Hand over your fortune or I will feed your sister to the sharks! (laughs evilly)
Cut to the older children getting their sister out of the cage while Duke Vladimir counts his money.
The fantasy ends.
Fern: I wish I could write a book series someday.
Miss Turner: Why don't you send a letter to the author, Persimmony Glitchet, and tell him how much his writing has inspired you? There's an address at the back of the book.
She hands Fern a book.
Fern: "Due to the dangerous nature of his research, Mr. Glitchet is often on the run, but you may write to him in care of his trusted chauffeur, Max Wheeler, at this address." I wonder if he would write back?
Francine: Are you kidding?
Fern: Then why would he bother to give an address at all?
***
Fern writes a letter at her desk.
Fern: "Dear Mr. Glitchet, I really like your Horrendously Horrible books. I know you that must get lots of letters, and that it's hard to answer all of them. My other favorite writers are Mary Shelley and Agatha Christie, but since they're both dead I can't write to them and expect an answer. I'm writing to you because I hope to become a professional writer like you someday. I would appreciate any advice that you have for me. Sincerely, Fern Walters."
While she is writing, we see a mailman delievering a bag of letters to Max Wheeler who is sitting in a limousine parked by a bridge. He reads Fern's letter and puts it in a folder labelled "Dire Emergencies". He parachutes out of a plane over a swamp and swims to a small boat, in which Persimmony Glitchet is sitting and writing.
Max Wheeler: (gasps) Mr. Glitchet. It's one of those dire emergencies.
He hands over the letter in a watertight bag.
P. Glitchet: Thank you, Max.
He takes out the letter.
***
Francine accompanies Fern to the mailbox in front of the Walters' door.
Francine: You don't expect an answer from him, do you? You've been checking every day for weeks. Fern looks through a couple of letters and holds up one of them.
Fern: "P.G., in care of Max Wheeler". Francine looks astounded. Fern takes a sheet of blank paper out of the envelope. It's blank!
Francine: I told you he wouldn't write back. Fern goes inside and slams the door. Tut.
***
In her room Fern paces up and down with the letter. Her mother sits on the bed.
Fern: Why would Persimmony Glitchet bother to send me a blank piece of paper?
Mrs. Walters: Well...
Fern: A blank piece of paper can mean only one thing: He used invisible ink just like Victor Brontë did in number five „The Malevolent Mailbox“.
Mrs. Walters: Are you sure?
Fern: Only one way to find out: my Detecto spy lamp. She takes a UV lamp out of her desk. Lights off, please. Mrs. Walters switches off the light. Fern holds the lamp over the sheet of paper. Writing appears. (reads:) "Dear Fern, Extenuating circumstances force me to be brief. If you want to be a writer, I recommend three things. Number One: Read..." That one's easy. "Number two (which is far more dreadful): Write, and perhaps more importantly... rewrite! Finally, Number Three: Look for opportunities to publish what you write. This can be especially dangerous..."
***
Fern reads the rest of the letter to Miss Turner at the library.
Fern: "...This can be especially dangerous, which is why I recommend that you never use your real name. Best of luck, Persimmony Glitchet." If only I had more opportunities to publish.
Miss Turner: Why don't you submit something to the Lakewood Elementary Reader? They're still taking submissions for the next issue.
Fern: Great idea!
***
Fern sits at her desk and plays with her pencil.
Fern: I've got my pen name - Agatha Shelley!
Her mother looks in.
Mrs. Walters: Are you going to write an Essie Beauchamp detective story like you did for Junior Detective Digest?
Fern: That was already published under my real name. This time I'm writing under the name of Agatha Shelley. She sharpens her pencil. This story will be something no one will recognize as mine.
She adjusts her bow.
***
A while later there are crumpled sheets of paper on the floor. Fern is writing furiously. Her mother brings her a burger and a glass of milk.
***
Fern lies in bed and her mother turns off the light. Fern continues writing under the blanket using a miner’s lamp and a notepad.
***
In a school corridor, Fern puts her story in a submission box.
***
A few days later, third-graders are collecting the Lakewood Elementary Reader from a table in a corridor. Fern surreptitiously takes a copy and opens it.
Fern: I'm published! “Happy Happenings by Agatha Shelley.”
***
Fern stands behind Arthur in the lunch line and leafs through a Reader.
Fern: So, have you read "Happy Happenings" by Agatha Shelley?
Arthur: Is that the boring one?
<***
Fern stands next to Brain while gets books from his locker.
Fern: "Happy Happenings" sounds interesting.
Brain: I read it. A shallow take on a shallow life.
***
On the jungle gym Binky is making paper planes out of the Lakewood Elementary Reader.
Fern: Is that a page from "Happy Happenings"?
Binky: Yeah. I liked the happy ending, but the happy beginning and the happy middle didn't work for me.
***
Francine sits in the library reading the Lakewood Elementary Reader. Fern sits next to her.
Francine: Did you read “Happy Happenings”?
Fern: No.
Francine: Don't bother. You'll hate it.
Fern: Why?
Francine: There's no mystery. Nothing scary happens.
Fern: Not all stories have to be scary or mysterious.
Francine: Yeah, but this one was way too happy. The main character is this girl, Felicity Bonchance.
Francine reads. We see Felicity (Fern) in a garden surrounded by Disney-esque animals.
Francine (narrator): "One day Felicity Bonchance was planting peonies, when she happened upon some buried treasure."
Felicity: Oh, goody! Now I can buy candy and ice cream for everyone in the whole world!
The fantasy ends.
Francine: But it gets worse. She actually goes around passing out candy and ice-cream to everyone in the whole world. Bleurgh!
Fern: So what's wrong with that?
Francine: It's so boring. And nothing bad ever happens to her. It was written by someone named Agatha Shelley. I don't think she even goes to our school.
Fern: Maybe Agatha Shelley isn't her real name. Maybe it's a pen name.
Francine: I wouldn't put my real name on this story, either.
***
That night Fern writes a letter in her room.
Fern: "Dear Mr. Glitchet, I wrote a story and got it published. Thank goodness I took your advice and didn't use my real name, because everybody hated my story. Should I give up? What should I do? Yours truly, Fern. P.S.: Is Persimmony Glitchet your real name?"
Max Wheeler delivers the letter to Persimmony Glitchet who is sitting at a desk in a belfry. Mr. Glitchet takes a sheet of paper and begins to write.
P. Glitchet: "Dear Fern, as to my real name, for your own protection I cannot disclose that information."
Max Wheeler: Indeed, sir.
P. Glitchet: "When people criticize my stories, it helps me to imagine horrible things happening to them."
At her desk, Fern smiles. She imagines standing in the playground with Francine.
Francine: This story is sooo boring. A flying dinosaur swoops down and grabs her. Augh!
Fern smiles.
In real life, she walks with the letter to the playground and sits down on a swing.
P. Glitchet: "After that, I take a walk, and ask myself if there is any truth at all to their criticism. Remember dreadful tip number two: write, but more importantly, rewrite. Of course, you can also just quit, and I, for one, would not blame you. Only you can decide. Best of luck, Persimmony Glitchet.“
Fern is back at her desk with the letter and the Lakewood Elementary Reader. She adjusts her bow.
Fern: Time for a rewrite!
***
Felicity Bonchance stands in a forest and kisses a deer while birds fly around her.
Fern: "You might think that nothing bad could ever happen to a person as nice as Felicity Bonchance, but you would be wrong."
Storm clouds gather. The animals flee.
Felicity: Aah!
A hole opens in the ground and sucks things into it. Felicity runs away.
***
At school, Arthur, Binky, Francine and Brain pick up copies of the Lakewood Elementary Reader. Fern hides behind a corner. When the others are gone, she opens a copy.
Fern: “A Terrible Twist.” I've got a second chance!
***
Francine is reading in the library.
In the story, Felicity tries to wrestle a small chest from a robber.
Francine (narrator): "Just when Felicity thought the treasure was hers..."
Felicity falls off a cliff and hangs from a root.
Felicity: Augh!
The fantasy ends. Fern sits next to Francine.
Fern: What are you reading?
Francine: “A Terrible Twist” by Agatha Shelley.
Fern: Oh, that horrible writer?
Francine: She got a lot better. In this story, Felicity Bonchance is just like someone you would write about.
Fern: I thought you said she was way too happy.
Francine: This time she's smart and funny and brave.
Fern: So you liked the part where she wrote a letter in invisible ink?
Francine: Yeah, and also when she disguised herself as a Gypsy...
Fern: ...and smuggled out the gold coins in her tambourine.
Francine: I thought you said you hadn't read it.
Fern: I, um, just heard about it.
***
Fern, Francine and many other people are waiting in front of a bookstore.
Fern: "The Dreary Delicatessen" is finally here! I can't wait to meet Persimmony Glitchet in person.
Francine: I wouldn't count on it. I heard he never shows up for these things.
The children walk up to a desk, where Max Wheeler is sitting signing books.
Fern: Mr. Glitchet? My name is...
Max Wheeler: I'm Mr. Glitchet's chauffeur. Mr. Glitchet regrets he cannot be here today.
Francine: I told you.
In the mystery section a man in a hat stands beside Fern.
P. Glitchet: I much prefer an Agatha Christie mystery to one of those Horrendously Horrible books.
Fern: Actually, Persimmony Glitchet is one of my favorite authors.
P. Glitchet: I hear he's extremely secretive.
Fern: He writes his letters in invisible ink.
P. Glitchet: How do you know?
Fern: He wrote to me twice with advice on writing. I wanted to thank him in person.
Francine comes.
Francine: Are you ready to go?
P. Glitchet: May I see your copy of Number Fourteen?
Fern: Um...sure.
She hands the book to him. He takes out a pen and writes in it. Then he leaves.
Francine: What was that?
Fern opens the book and reads.
Fern: "Dear Fern, when you become a famous writer, I promise not to reveal your true identity. Best of luck, P.G. A fellow writer." It must be him!
The girls run out of the store. Persimmony Glitchet is just getting into his limousine. He waves as the car drives away.