Love Notes for Muffy[]
Introduction[]
A science fair in the Lakewood Elementary gymnasium. Binky shows a display with some rocks.
Binky: I call my project “Rocks Near School”. These are rocks. I found them near the school. Thank you.
Prunella, Steve Pappas and one other fourth-grader take notes.
Arthur’s project is labelled “Mighty Vite Plant Food”. The plants’ vines have overgrown his stand.
Arthur: Er, as you see, the plants grow really well with my vitamin mixture.
Francine’s project is labelled “Lessons from Lunch”.
Francine: Did you know the average school taco has less protein than a shoe?
Steve Pappas stops eating his taco.
Steve: Er.
Francine smiles.
Brain’s project is labelled “Blackboard of the Future”. He writes E=MC² on a blackboard. An automatic wiper removes the writing.
Brain: With my invention, chalk will become a thing of the past.
Prunella: Hm.
Muffy’s project is labelled “Suds and Fabric”. As the judges pass her stand, Muffy pulls a lever. Music plays and a robot arm serves pastries.
Muffy: Petit fours?
Judges: (Excellent work! Very nice!)
***
Brain and Francine sit on the steps outside the Science Fair.
Brain: What an outrage! She's gonna win just because she bribed the judges. This is a science fair. Where's the science in suds and French pastry?
Francine: The laws of science don't apply to Muffy.
Brain: There must be some kind of justice in the world! We can't let Muffy get away with this.
Francine: But what can we do?
Brain: I'm going to get revenge!!
He raises his fist. Lightning strikes.
Title Card: Binky Blows Bubble[]
In class Brain has sketched a plan to take revenge on Muffy. The plan becomes animated. It shows Muffy drinking from a water fountain.
Muffy (animated): Lalalala...
Brain pumps paint through the fountain which turns Muffy’s teeth green.
Brain (animated): (laughs)
Brain: Too simple.
He throws the sketch away.
The next sketch shows Muffy riding a bicycle. Brain pulls a lever and Muffy is pulled up by a giant magnet, along with an old lady with an umbrella, an excavator and a train.
Muffy (animated): Eek!
Brain: Too complicated.
He throws the sketch away.
#
Brain and Francine sit on the school steps.
Francine: Brain, you have to let this go, or else you'll become some crazy guy living up in the school rafters, dropping chandeliers on people.
Brain: I can't talk to you. I must use all my available brain capacity plotting revenge.
Francine: They haven't even announced who won yet. Who knows? She might lose.
Brain: Yeah, right!
Francine: Sometimes, it's better to forgive and forget, be noble, stuff like that.
Muffy walks by with Prunella.
Muffy: The nutritional value of lunch? Who cares? Preserving one's wardrobe is what really matters.
Francine: (to Brain): What exactly did you have in mind?
***
Francine puts a red note with a heart on Muffy’s desk at school.
***
The school bell rings. The children come in and Muffy reads the note. Brain and Francine give mean grins.
***
During recess Muffy reads the note to Prunella, Sue Ellen, Francine and Fern.
Muffy: (reads:) "Dear Muffy, I have long admired you. Regardless of the difference in our ages..." That means he's older!
Sue Ellen: Why older? He could be younger.
Fern: If he was younger, he wouldn't know how to write.
Prunella: Maybe he's a genius kindergartener.
Muffy: Please. "Regardless of the difference in our ages…”
In Muffy’s imagination a young man sits by a luxurious private swimming pool and dictates to a butler.
Man: ...I have to make my feelings known. You are so mature, so stylish. I think about you every day.” They both open safe-deposit boxes. Muffy’s contains jewels, his money. / They ride horses. "Your smile, your laugh, your lack of concern that comes from extreme wealth, the way your clothes stay so crisp and the colors never fade.” They sit in a cheap restaurant and toast with juice cartons. "I hope that you return my feelings."
The fantasy ends.
Muffy: "Sincerely, your secret admirer." (sighs) Maybe he's in the fifth grade.
Prunella stands up.
Prunella: Any fifth grader who would write a letter like that is nuts!
Muffy: He obviously appreciates maturity and nice clothes. They all get up. Let's watch the fifth graders and figure out who wrote the note.
Francine: I can't. I have cafeteria duty.
Muffy: Sue Ellen, come on!
Sue Ellen: Aw.
Only Francine and Fern remain. Fern looks suspicious.
Muffy and Sue Ellen pass by Brain and Arthur who are having lunch on the jungle gym.
Brain: Have you ever realized how frighteningly easy it is to manipulate someone into doing whatever you want?
Arthur: Brain, you're acting kind of weird today.
Brain: Am I?? (laughs madly)
***
In the cafeteria Francine operates the dishwasher. Fern confronts her.
Fern: Why did you and Brain write that note?
Francine: Shh! Not so loud. How did you know it was me and Brain?
Fern: Only the Brain could use "regardless" in a sentence correctly.
Francine: What gave me away? It must have been a really hard to find clue.
Fern: I saw you put it on Muffy's desk.
Francine: Oh.
***
Francine and Fern walk out of school.
Francine: So Brain wrote her that note, now she's running around looking dopey. Isn't that funny?
Fern: Not really.
Muffy comes running.
Muffy: Sue Ellen is trying to steal my secret admirer!
Francine and Fern exchange looks.
***
Sue Ellen, Rattles and some other kids are playing ball.
Muffy: I had just narrowed down the number of possible secret admirers to twenty when their ball bounced over to us. She kicked it back to them and they asked her to join the game.
Francine: So?
Muffy: So my secret admirer's out there. What if he's impressed by her show of brute strength? I need answers! Fern, I'm hiring you as my private investigator. Now, let's go to work.
She pulls Fern away. Fern gives Francine a reproving look.
In Francine’s imagination she and Brain are standing in an old English courtroom wearing prisoner’s clothes. Arthur as prosecutor is questioning Fern. Mr. Ratburn is the judge.
Arthur: And before Muffy Crosswire hired you, you knew who wrote the note.
Fern: I deduced immediately it was Brain and Francine. Of course I had to tell Muffy. My reputation was at stake.
Mr. Ratburn: That's all the evidence I need to hear. Guilty as charged!
Francine and Brain are led away.
Francine: But it was just a joke... just a joke...just a joke...a joke...
The fantasy ends.
***
Brain sits against a tree in the school playground. He is sketching a revenge plan involving a rocket.
Francine: We're in trouble. Muffy hired Fern to find out who wrote the note.
Brain: So? She'll never trace it to us.
Francine: She already has!
Brain: She has no proof. I'm too clever to leave clues. It's time to go to phase two: candy and/or flowers. Here! Look! He shows his notebook.
Francine: What's wrong with you? Don't you understand? We're in a big mess.
Brain: (laughs madly)
Brain imagines sitting in a control room. He presses a button.
Brain: At last my plan is complete!
A missile is launched. Over the Crosswire mansion it drops its tip, which rolls towards the door. A robot hand reaches out and rings the doorbell. Then the tip disintegrates. Muffy opens the door.
Muffy: Hello? Hello? That's funny. That's the third time this happened this week.
Brain watches her on a screen.
Brain: (laughs)
***
On the school playground Fern hides behind a tree. As she walks on, Muffy comes down the slide.
Muffy: Well, what did you find out?
Francine and Brain are watching from the trees.
Francine: Fern's gonna tell Muffy! Let's confess before it's too late.
Brain: You're overreacting.
Fern: Er, too many people have been over the crime scene. Any clues have been destroyed.
Muffy: Hm, some detective you are! If I'd paid you, I'd be asking for a refund.
Muffy walks off. Fern approaches Francine and Brain.
Fern: My reputation is ruined thanks to you.
Francine: Look what a mess this stupid note caused. I wish we'd never started any of this.
Brain: The thrill of revenge seems to be very short-lived.
***
Brain and Francine walk across the school playground.
Brain: Muffy, I'm sorry I allowed myself to get upset about the way you bribed the judges.
Francine: I don't think so.
Brain: Muffy, I'm sorry. I can't let a huge injustice go unpunished.
Francine: (sighs)
Brain+Francine: Muffy!
Muffy: I have important news! I found out who wrote the note and I took some steps.
Francine: What kind of steps?
Muffy: I wrote a note back saying that while he has good taste, a love between us can never be. And I put it in his locker.
Brain and Francine look horrified.
Brain: And just whose locker is that?
Muffy: He's right over there.
Mr. Haney is talking to Rattles.
Mr. Haney: (incomprehensible)
Francine: You wrote a note to Mr. Haney?!
Muffy: No, silly. Rattles! Poor thing. I know I'm breaking his heart.
She walks away.
Brain: This really is a mess.
Francine: Rattles will pulverize her if he reads that note.
Brain: I warned you. We never should have tried to trick her.
Francine: You tried to warn me?!
She runs after him.
***
Brain and Francine are watching an empty school corridor.
Francine: If only you hadn't written Muffy that note in the first place!
Brain: If only you hadn't put it on her desk!
Francine: Well, come on! What are we waiting for?
They run to Rattles' locker. Brain looks through the vents.
Brain: I can't see anything.
Francine takes some string out of her pocket.
Francine: I stuck gum to this string. You drop it in the locker, it sticks to the note, we pull it out.
She realizes that the gum will not fit through the vents. Oh!
Brain: Let's try this coat hanger. He sticks it in the lockerpl. I've got something! He pulls out half a body building poster. Uh-oh!
The ground starts to shake.
Francine: What is that?
Rattles walks up to them.
Brain: Hold on tight, this is gonna be bad.
Rattles: Hey, what're you doing in my locker?
Francine+Brain: (stutter)
Muffy: They're here because of me.
Rattles: Oh, yeah?
Brain: It's all my fault.
Francine: And mine.
Brain: We were mad at Muffy and wrote her a fake love note and she thought you wrote it and wrote you a note back and now it's in your locker, but... you probably shouldn't read it.
Rattles+Muffy: (break out laughing)
Rattles: You oughta seen the looks on your faces! You were right. They really did think you put a note in my locker. Oh brother!
He walks off.
Francine: You mean, you knew we wrote the note?
Muffy: No, but I knew Fern would know who did it. So I followed her and listened to what she said. Then I asked Rattles for a favor. Overall, a very satisfying day.
The school bell rings.
***
The third-graders walk back into the classroom.
Brain: Muffy, we're really sorry we wrote the note.
Muffy: Well, I can understand why you did it.
Brain: You do?
Muffy: Certainly. You were upset that I'm better than you in science.
Brain: You may be better at winning contests, but you're not better at science.
Mr. Ratburn comes in.
Mr. Ratburn: All right, everyone. Sit down. It's time to announce the winners for the displays in the science fair. The judges voted for the display that was, well, let's say one of the tastiest.
Muffy: Excuse me, Mr. Ratburn.
Mr. Ratburn: Yes, Muffy.
Muffy: I just wanted to say that I’ve been thinking...
Brain: (to Francine): That's new.
Muffy: The Brain's project really was more scientific than mine. I’ve decided he deserves the award more than I do.
Class: (gasp)
Mr. Ratburn: Well, that's very noble of you.
Brain: I guess she's not so bad after all. I feel like a rat.
Mr. Ratburn: Unfortunately, Muffy, you didn't win the contest.
Class: (Really? What? Wow!)
Mr. Ratburn: The winner of the award for the best entry in the science fair is Francine Frensky for her analysis of bag lunches versus school meals.
Francine: (to Brain:) Maybe you just need to learn to cook.
Brain: (sighs)