Introduction[]
Bailey stands in front of the Crosswire Mansion.
Bailey: Several viewers have expressed interest in what it's like to be Miss Muffy's personal butler. I quite enjoy my job.
Flashback: Bailey follows Muffy through a clothes store.
Bailey (narrator): It affords me many opportunities to shop in the finest stores...
Muffy picks out a dress and throws it over Bailey’s head.
Bailey: Hmph.
Bailey (narrator): ...and to celebrate the great outdoors.
Flashback: Muffy walks along a sunny beach. Bailey runs after her carrying a parasol, an inflatable shark, a picnic basket, and a towel.
Bailey: Of course, Miss Muffy does expect the highest standards of service.
Flashback: Muffy and Bailey are on a ship near Niagara Falls.
Muffy: Oh, dear. Bailey, I dropped my charm bracelet!
Bailey: Right away, Miss Muffy.
He salutes and jumps into the water.
Bailey (narrator): Occasionally, she can be a bit...demanding.
Flashback: Muffy has buried Bailey up to his neck in sand.
Bailey (narrator): And a few times, I have found myself in, shall we say, compromising situations.
Muffy: Isn't this fun? Ooh! Froyo!
She runs off. The tide reaches Bailey’s head.
The flashbacks end. Bailey is still in front of the mansion.
Bailey: Working for Miss Muffy is by no means an easy job.
Muffy stands in the door.
Muffy: Bailey! I can't find my purple tights! And this cucumber sandwich still has the crust on it!
Bailey: But one thing I'll say for it, it's never dull. Coming, Miss Muffy!
He runs to her.
Title Card: Balloon[]
Muffy stands in front of a doll display in a toy store. Bailey stands behind her with a trolley.
Muffy: "The Pretty Pioneers Collection." This one is called Abigail. Isn't she beautiful?
Bailey looks at the other dolls.
Bailey: Indeed, Miss Muffy, and she bears a striking resemblance to Bernadette, Camille and Mathilda. Perhaps they're all sisters.
Muffy: It says here that they're characters from the Pretty Pioneers series of books.
Bailey: "Collect the dolls, collect the books and start your very own book club."
Muffy: What's a book club?
Bailey: A gathering of friends that reads different books each week and then discusses them.
Muffy: Ooh! What fun! She puts a book and a doll into the trolley. We'll begin with the first book in the series. Let's see. One for Francine, one for Arthur, one for Brain and one for you.
Bailey: "Abigail and the Apple Aspic." I can hardly wait.
***
Muffy writes invitations in her room.
Muffy: “Dear book club members, our first meeting will be this Saturday at two o'clock. Enclosed is your copy of “Abigail and the Apple Aspic”. Please read the whole book and be ready to discuss it.”
Bailey puts a package in a mailbox. Arthur receives the package.
Muffy (narrator): “I'm sure we'll love it too. I know you're as excited as I am to dive into the Pretty Pioneer prairie.”
Francine reads the book on her bed.
Francine: (laughs)
Brain highlights passages of the book at the counter of the ice-cream shop. He scratches his head.
Muffy (narrator): “Yours truly, Muffy Crosswire, president.”
Bailey reads the book in his room. He falls asleep.
Bailey: (snores)
***
On Saturday, Muffy leads Arthur, Francine and Brain into the living room.
Muffy: I thought we'd use the living room, since there's lots of space.
Bailey: Pardon, Miss Muffy, but might I suggest we use the Crosswire library? It seems a more appropriate setting for a book club.
Muffy: We have a library??
***
Bailey shows the kids into the library.
Arthur+Brain+Francine: (gasp)
Francine: This place is amazing!
Arthur: I've never seen so many books!
One wall is covered in books two storeys high. There are also a fireplace and several armchairs.
Brain: It's Copernicus's “De Revolutionibus Orbium Coelestium”! He pulls at the book and holds a board with fake book backs in his hands. The shelf behind it is empty. (gasps)
Bailey: I'm afraid these books aren't real, Mr. Powers. The real book section is over there, where Mr. Read is.
Arthur pulls out a real book.
Arthur: "Squeezing the Lemon: Insider's Guide to Selling Used Cars."
Muffy: Daddy says that's a classic. Oh, look, a fireplace! She presses a button and a fake fire appears. Mm, cosy! Okay, everyone, get comfortable and we'll get started.
Bailey: I'll just get us some refreshments.
He leaves.
The kids sit down on a carpet in front of the fireplace.
Francine: I don't know about you guys, but I loved “Abigail and the Apple Aspic”.
Muffy: Do I have an eye for great literature, or what?
Francine: It was one of the funniest books I've ever read!
Muffy: Funny?!
Arthur: I don't think it was meant to be funny.
Francine: But it was so ridiculous!
Muffy: It was a heartbreaking tragedy! When Abigail sells her record player to raise money for the puppy orphanage, I was so moved!
Brain: Well, I was moved to write the author a letter. The book takes place in 1865, but Edison didn't invent the record player until 1877! Here, I made a list of all the other historical inaccuracies and examples of poor grammar.
He passes a list around. Bailey returns with a trolley of food.
Muffy: What about you, Bailey? Did you hate the book too?
Bailey: Uh... ahem... Aspic, anyone?
He uncovers a plate of aspic.
Muffy: Well, I hope you all like “Bernadette and the Butter Churn” better, because that's what we're reading next.
Arthur serves himself aspic.
Arthur: The whole point of a book club is that we get to take turns choosing what to read.
Muffy: No, it isn't! Is it?
Bailey: The book clubs in which I have participated have generally observed a democratic process.
Brain holds up a book.
Brain: How about “The Quark Knight”? It's about a scientist who gets turned into a subatomic particle.
Arthur: Sounds exciting!
Francine: Cool cover!
Muffy: Fine! We'll read about your silly Quack Knight.
Brain: He's a Quark Knight.
Muffy: Whatever. Meeting adjourned!
She walks off.
***
On Friday, Muffy puts a book into the official “Pretty Pioneer” bookcase in her room. She plays with four dolls.
Muffy: Number 13: “Mathilda and the Missing Moccasin”. Only 13 more to go! Don't you like the way your book looks in the official “Pretty Pioneer” bookcase, Mathilda? Wait, uh, I think you're Hester. Emma has one more freckle. There is a knock. Come in!
Bailey: I noticed you had not yet acquired “The Quark Knight”, so I took the liberty of purchasing you a copy.
He hands her a bag.
Muffy: What? It doesn't even come with a doll?! Oh, well. Thanks, anyway.
Bailey: You do recall, Miss Muffy, that our next book club meeting is tomorrow?
Muffy: How could I forget?
She lies on her bed with the book.
Bailey: Actually, Miss Muffy, it's a surprisingly good read. I particularly liked...
Muffy: You don't have to pretend to like it. It's just us here. Well, I guess I better start my "assignment".
***
The kids sit in the Powers’ living room. Brain passes chips around while Bailey talks about the book.
Bailey: Ned's plight reminded me how insignificant our lives are. (sniffs) I was deeply affected.
He wipes his eyes.
Arthur: I didn't get the ending. Did Ned die?
Brain: He was sucked into a hole in the space-time continuum, so, actually, the story never even happened.
Behind Brain, Muffy is trying to put a dinosaur skull back on a skeleton.
Francine: Whoa! Deep! What about you, Muffy?
Muffy: Huh?
Brain: Did you like the book?
Muffy: Oh, uh... It was... okay.
Francine: "Okay"? That's it?
Muffy: Well... I liked Nate.
Brain: Ned.
Muffy: Right! But it was a little... How do I put this? ...uh, predictable.
Arthur: You mean, like the part where Ned defeats the electro dragon?
Muffy: Exactly!
Bailey: (gulps)
Francine: A-ha! That never happened. Arthur just made it up to test you.
Muffy: Okay, okay, I-I didn't read it. I tried to, but it was too boring.
Brain: How can you know it was boring if you didn't read it?
Muffy: I can tell by the cover. The hero is a blue blob. At least Abigail had a pretty face.
Francine: Muffy, we agreed to take turns deciding what to read.
Muffy: Well, it's my book club, so I get to make the rules. She dumps the book into the chips bowl. Here's a new one. We'll read what I want, or you're all fired.
Francine: Fine, we'll just start our own book club. You guys want to read "The Sable Stallion" for next week? It was one of my dad's favorites.
Brain: Sure, okay.
Muffy: Ha! Well, we'll see who has the better book club. Come on, Bailey.
***
Muffy sits in her room and talks on the phone.
Muffy: I'll buy all the books, and there'll be hot chocolate with little marshmallows. You just have to like whatever I like. Well, fine, go volunteer at the hospital instead. See if I care. Well, Sue Ellen is off the list. Anyway, there's plenty of people left to ask.
Bailey holds a clipboard.
Prunella is on the phone and shakes her head. So do Binky, Mr. Ratburn, and Tommy Tibble, who passes the phone to Timmy, who also shakes his head.
***
Muffy sits in an armchair in the Crosswire library. Bailey and Mr. Crosswire stand nearby.
Bailey: Well, I found “Bernadette And The Butter Churn” to be, um, almost entirely free of typographical errors.
Muffy: What about you, Daddy?
Mr. Crosswire: I still can't get over the fact that we have a library. I'm sorry, Muffin, what did you ask me?
Muffy: Did you like the book?
Mr. Crosswire: Oh, well, to tell you the truth, Pumpkin, I thought it was boring and poorly written. But I love this little butter churn that came with it.
He holds up a small model.
Muffy: Daddy! How can you?! Oh, I give up. Why should I defend it? It was terrible. Maybe “Camille and the Crusty Crumpet” will be better?
Bailey: I sincerely doubt it, Miss Muffy.
Mr. Crosswire: Bailey's right. They're just written to help sell dolls. But if you want us to keep reading them...
Muffy: (sighs) Thank you both, but I think this was the last chapter of the Crosswire Book Club.
She goes to the fireplace and throws the book on the fake flames. It bounces off them.
***
In her room, Muffy packs the “Pretty Pioneer” books into a box.
Muffy: Say goodbye to your books. They're moving to the library with the other fake books.
***
Muffy brings the box into the library. When she moves some of the books to make room for the “Pretty Pioneers”, one book falls out.
Muffy: “The Sable Stallion”. That's that boring book Francine wanted to read. She looks inside. This book belongs to Eddie Edsel Crosswire, Fourth Grade. Daddy?
She sits down in an armchair.
At eight o’clock she is still reading.
Muffy: (giggles)
At half past eleven she is still reading, although she is looking very tired.
Muffy: Just one more... page.
In her dream she walks over a prairie wearing an old-fashioned dress.
Muffy: (pants) Ah! What am I wearing? It is so two centuries ago! Bailey!!
A Pretty Pioneer doll approaches. She is as big as Muffy and carries a plate of aspic.
Abigail: Hello, Muffy. We’re so delighted you decided to stay with us. Would you like to try my aspic?
Muffy: Stay with you? I haven't decided to... She walks backwards and bumps into Bernadette and her butter churn. Ah!
Bernadette: How about some butter? It tastes just like the aspic. In fact, everything here is the same.
Another doll comes with a burned crumpet.
Camille: That way, there are no surprises. You will be happy with us getting the same thing every time.
More dolls come.
Muffy: Noo! Get away from me! She runs away. (pants)
Muffy sees a farmhouse and runs towards it. Suddenly a fence blocks the way. The dolls are catching up with her. A horse gallops by on the other side of the fence.
Muffy: Wait! Take me with you!
Sable Stallion: Sorry. I'm late for book club at Francine's.
Muffy: (gulps)
The dream ends. Muffy awakes in the armchair.
Muffy: (gasps)
***
The next Saturday, Muffy and Bailey stand in front of the Frenskys’ door. Francine opens.
Muffy: Okay. Before you say anything, I'm really sorry I acted like such a bossy boots. And I know you've probably finished discussing “The Sable Stallion” but could I please join you?
Francine: We're just sitting down to discuss it now.
She lets Muffy and Bailey in.
Binky, Francine, Brain, Buster, Arthur, Muffy, and Bailey sit in the Frenskys’ living room/kitchen.
Arthur: But what I really thought was amazing was the way the horse seemed to know what the little girl was thinking.
Muffy: I know! I mean, I haven't finished it yet but so far, it's like she and the horse are twins.
Francine: And what about that horse trainer? Is he evil or what?
Brain: No, he isn't. He's simply the product of a repressive era and a father who cannot display affection.
Muffy: Don't give it away! I'm not there yet!