Introduction[]
In a royal bedroom, Kate stands in front of a mirror dressed like a princess.
Kate: Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the cutest creature of them all?
The mirror shows something the audience cannot see.
Kate: Huh? What?! You've got to be kidding me!
Pal comes wearing a jester’s cap.
Pal: Is it magic mirror time? Oh, goody!
Kate: See for yourself.
Pal: (gasps) What? Oh, you've got to be kidding me.
Kate: That's just what I said.
Pal: And who's that with her?
Kate: I have no idea. Maybe there's something wrong with the mirror today. I'll give it a wipe.
She wipes the mirror.
Sebastian (in mirror): (growls)
Pal: Easy now, we didn't mean any offence. You are both definitely very... cute.
Kate: Let's use the mirror in the queen's room, it works better.
Kate and Pal leave. The mirror shows Killer trying to push Sebastian to the side.
Killer (in mirror): Beat it, Fuzz-face, I got here first!
Sebastian (in mirror): You're clearly lost. This mirror is for beautiful creatures. The rude and ugly mirror is down the hall.
Killer (in mirror): Oh, yeah?! I could beat you in a cute contest any day of the week!
Sebastian (in mirror): Ha! You couldn't win if you were the only contestant and the judge was your mother!
Killer (in mirror): Bring it on, Pom-pom, bring it on!
Killer+Sebastian (in mirror): (growl)
Their images disappear.
Title Card: Dogs wait at the show[]
While Mr. Read works in the garden, Pal drops a wallet in a fresh dug hole while Kate watches.
Pal: And then you bury the wallet like so. He kicks earth in the hole. Sweet kibble! What on earth is Amigo doing??
Amigo is doing push-ups in the Molinas’ driveway.
Amigo: ...dos... tres... cuatro...
Pal and Kate walk over.
Pal: Amigo, is your back all right?
Kate: Do you need a doctor?
Amigo: No, no, I was just trying to lose a little weight.
Pal: Good heavens! Why?
Amigo: I must look my best for the dog show next week. Alberto is going to enter me.
Pal: (laughs) Oh, it's too good. He rolls on the floor. You, in a dog show! Hahaha! What? (gasps) You're serious.
Kate: Why shouldn't he be? Amigo is a very handsome dog. I wouldn't be surprised if he won.
Amigo: Gracias, Kate.
Pal: But I didn't think silly things like dog shows mattered to you, Amigo.
Amigo: They don't really, but it would make Alberto happy and there is a prize, it might be ham.
Pal licks his lips.
Kate: Maybe you should sign up too, Pal.
Pal: Me? He looks at his reflection in a puddle. But, no, I'm so small and my ears are too floppy.
Kate: Nonsense, I think you look very distinguished. In fact, you could both win.
Pal: Well, I... I guess I do have a sort of rugged appeal. His reflection turns into a German shepherd. That strong jaw with those gleaming teeth, a proud nose. Gosh, I am good looking! A stone falls in the puddle. I'll do it! For Arthur.
***
Arthur is drawing at his desk when Pal brings him a brochure. He picks it up.
Pal: (barks)
Arthur: “The Wiegel-Bandolik dog show comes to Elwood city. Applicants welcome.”
Pal: (whines)
He strikes a pose, then wags his tail.
Arthur: Hmmm.
***
Arthur, D.W. and Kate sit at the breakfast table.
Arthur: I'm going to enter him today. I really think he's got a shot. He's great at running around in circles.
Pal runs laps around his food dish while Kate counts.
Kate: Nine... ten! Good work, Pal, you can eat now. Pal starts eating. Not too much. Remember your figure.
Pal: There, see? I've held back. One pellet of dog food is still in the dish. Oh, I feel lighter already, this training isn't so bad.
Pal walks away and knocks over a whole bag of dog food which spills on the floor.
Pal: (gasps)
D.W.: Mom, the bacon is touching the eggs. I can't eat it! She holds a piece under the table. Bloo-blee blah blah bacon, Pal?
Pal: (gasps)
Pal runs out into the hallway. The doorbell rings and Buster comes in with a plate of roast beef.
Buster: Hey, everyone, who wants left over roast beef?
Pal: Oh, the agony! The agony!
Buster holds a piece out for Pal, who shakes his head and runs away.
Buster: Huh?
Pal lies down on the living room carpet.
Pal: I did it, I did it! Oh, crumbs.
He licks them up.
***
A long line of people with dogs stand at the reception desk of the dog show. Arthur with Pal and Alberto with Amigo are second and third in line.
Amigo: We have just started training and you've never looked better, my friend.
Pal: Oh, thank you, old boy. You too.
Sebastian the poodle walks by with a dachshund.
Sebastian: Hahaha! Look at them, Beasley, they actually think they can win. It's so funny and yet so tragic.
Pal: I say, we have just as much chance of winning as you do, you... well-groomed quadruped!
Sebastian: Mm, I don't think so.
Amigo: You wait and see. Look at this tail, it's perfect.
He wags it.
Sebastian: Yes, yes, lovely. But, you see, neither of you have any chance of winning because you are mutts. (sniffs) I can smell it a mile away.
Arthur and Alberto have reached the registration desk.
Arthur: What?? Purebreds only??
Alberto: Ah. Amigo is a mix of bulldog and boxer.
Arthur: I'm not sure what Pal is, but whatever it is, I don't think it's pure.
Pal is scratching behind his ear.
Sebastian: Ah, the humans have learned. Well, cheer up, mutts, you wouldn't have won anyway. Have fun rolling in garbage or whatever it is you do. Ta-ta.
***
Thora, Mrs. Read and Arthur sit in Thora’s living room, while Pal and Kate sit on the floor.
Pal: And so we can't compete simply because we're not purebreds.
Kate: What's a purebred?
Pal: I don't know, but whatever it is, apparently I'm not it.
Killer joins them.
Killer: It means you only have one breed of dog in you. Pretty loopy, right? I mean, who cares? A dog is a dog. My parents were in dog shows before I went to the shelter. Stand like this, walk like that... They won a lot of them, but they hated it.
Kate: Wait, so you're a purebred?
Killer: Don't look so shocked, baby. I'm a hundred percent Jack Russell terrier.
Pal and Kate smile at each other.
***
Later, Mr. Read digs a hole for Thora’s flowers and finds his wallet in the soil. Meanwhile, Pal, Amigo and Kate talk to Killer.
Killer: Me?? Are you out of your mind? I can't stand those dog shows.
Kate: But you could win. You said your parents won a lot of them.
Amigo: And there is a prize. It might be ham.
Pal: Killer, if you saw how that snooty poodle offended the Read name, I know you would want to do something.
Killer: You're barking up the wrong tree. You'll never get me in that dog show and that's final.
Sebastian comes by with his owner.
Sebastian: Ah, if it isn't the mutts.
Amigo: (gasps) It's him!
Sebastian: I see there's a new one. Oh, wait, it might just be a large rat.
Killer: (growls) She runs up to Sebastian. You talking to me?!
Sebastian: (gasps) It speaks! What an impressive rat.
Killer: Listen, you shrub, take your little pom-poms back to your cheap hair salon and never bother my friends again.
Sebastian: How dare you, a common mutt, talk to me that way! I am Sebastian Winkleplotz, shining example of the standard poodle. Come on, human, let's get away from this loathsome creature before we catch something.
He leaves.
Killer: Sign me up.
Pal, Amigo and Kate look delighted.
***
Thora watches Mr. Crosswire’s duck commercial on TV when Killer jumps on her lap holding a dog show brochure.
Killer: (whines)
Grandma Thora: Oh!
***
Thora runs laps with Killer in her garden, when Nemo runs by.
Killer: (barks)
She chases Nemo.
Grandma Thora: (gasps)
Nemo runs up a tree.
~~~
Killer stands on a box and Thora examines her teeth, like the judge at her dog show. Then she raises Killer’s tail.
Killer: (growls)
Pal and Kate look worried. Kate shrugs and Pal shakes his head.
***
That night, Pal stands outside Kate’s crib.
Pal: I don't know, Kate, she just doesn't seem like a show dog. She's too... independent.
Kate: But Killer has come so far, Pal, and you know her, when she wants something, she's unstoppable.
Pal: Well, I guess we'll find out tomorrow. Good night, Kate.
Kate: Good night, Pal.
He walks away.
***
Shortly afterwards, Mr. Read makes himself a sandwich in the kitchen. The roast beef that Buster brought is still on the table. When Mr. Read walks out, Pal comes in and looks at the beef.
Pal: Hm...
He smiles mischievously.
***
At the dog show, Thora is being interviewed by Candy Coco.
Candy Coco: I'm standing here with Thora Read and her absolutely iconic Jack Russell Terrier. She bends down to Killer. Oh, what do you think, widdle pooky wooky? Are you going to win the blue ribbon?
Killer: (growls)
She bites into the microphone.
Candy Coco: Oh! Oh, dear! Let go!
Sebastian and Beasley stand on the side with a bag.
Sebastian: That uncouth cur doesn't stand a chance against me. Still, one can never be too careful. He takes a wind-up mouse out of the bag. That's why I brought this. She'll never be able to resist chasing it. (evil laugh)
The Reads sit in the stands. There is a small bundle behind Pal. Kate takes out her pacifier.
Kate: I'm so nervous I've chewed a hole in my pacifier. (sniffs) Do you smell something strange, Pal?
Pal: Hm? It's probably just me. I found a nice pile of compost this morning.
He pushes the bundle behind his back with his tail. A bell rings.
Kate: I think it's starting.
***
The dogs parade in front of the judges.
A judge examines Sebastian, who looks proud and winks his eye. The judge looks surprised.
The judge examines Killer. When she touches Killer’s tail, Killer suppresses a growl. The judge gives a thumbs-up. Kate claps.
Sebastian dances on his hind legs.
Killer catches a thrown dog treat in mid-air and gives it to Thora.
***
Near the end of the show, dogs and owners stand in a row.
Candy Coco: And now it's time for the judge to choose who is best in show. It's been a remarkable group, but the real contest is between the lively Jack Russell and the crowd-pleasing standard poodle.
Sebastian and Killer give each other angry looks.
Thora runs in circles with Killer. Sebastian sets up the toy mouse.
Sebastian: Let's see how disciplined that little runt really is.
Sebastian lets the mouse go. Killer chases it.
Killer: (growls)
Grandma Thora: (gasps)
Audience: Oh...
Killer grabs the mouse and shakes it.
Candy Coco: Oh, dear. That's going to cost Killer some points.
Sebastian waves goodbye with a mocking look.
Killer: (growls)
Kate: Oh, I guess it's over.
Pal: Not quite. I thought that poodle might try something sneaky, so I brought along... a secret weapon. He unpacks the bundle. Roast beef. Let's see if Mr. Hoity Toity can resist that.
Sebastian parades with his owner. Pal throws the bundle into the ring.
Sebastian: (sniffs) Beef. Roast beef? Roast beef with peppercorns and mustard shallot reduction? The judge picks up the beef. Stand back, human! I haven't had a decent piece of meat in weeks!
He runs at the judge.
Judge: Aaugh!
Audience: (gasp)
Several people look away.
***
Later, Kate, Pal, Amigo and Killer sit in Thora’s yard.
Kate: I can't believe the dachshund won. He was all skin and bones.
Pal: I'm just happy it wasn't that insufferable poodle.
Amigo: The prize was terrible. A ribbon?? Please. This is a prize for a cat, not a dog.
Killer: Like I said, dog shows are ridiculous. Now if there was a contest to see which dog had the nicest personality, that would be different. The others look at her. What?! You're saying I don't have a nice personality??
Kate: Yes, of course.
Amigo: Sí, sí, you are a little lamb.
Killer: Oh, thanks. Now who thinks that they can get the ball from me? She holds it in her paws. The others leave quickly. Hey, where's everyone going? Come back, you cowards!
She runs after them.