Introduction[]
An adult Muffy is sworn into the office of president by Brain in front of the capitol in Washington. Sue Ellen and George stand nearby.
Muffy: ...and will, to the best of my ability, preserve, protect, and defend the Constitution of the United States.
Brain: Congratulations to you, President Mary Alice Crosswire!
The audience claps and cheers. Muffy waves at them.
Muffy: Thank you so much! As your President, ask not what I can do for you, rather what you can do for me!
Arthur: (from the audience) Hey, Muffy! It's me!
Muffy: Our future is bright together, if we don't forget the past.
Arthur: Muffy, remember me? It's Arthur! You know me! Lakewood Elementary, remember? Your friend, Arthur?
Muffy snaps her fingers. Binky, now a security guard, advances on Arthur.
Arthur: Hey, Binky, you're here, too! Can you believe Muffy's president? Why is she pretending she doesn't remember me?
Muffy: Security, take him away.
Binky grabs onto Arthur and starts escorting him away.
Arthur: What are you doing? Is this some kind of joke?
Binky: Look, an order's an order. The President said to take you away, no joke.
Arthur: Muffy, we were in Mr. Ratburn's class together! Remember our class election?
Muffy: Don't ever mention that election to me again!
Binky shoves Arthur into the back of a police van.
Arthur: She really takes things way too seriously.
The back doors of the police van are closed and it drives off, sirens wailing.
Title Card: Arthur Plays a Slot Machine[]
Written by: Joseph Purdy—Storyboard by: Robert Yap
Francine Frensky: (V.O.) The Election!
In Mr. Ratburn's class, the students are listening to him give a speech.
Mr. Ratburn: And to conclude our "Government in Action" unit, I thought it would be informative to hold a mock presidential election. Anyone who 'd like to run is welcome. We will look at each aspect of the election: campaigning, pinpointing important issues, debating, and of course, voting.
***
Francine is sitting on the Tower of Pain.
Francine: Can't you guys see me as president?
Brain: It's a lot of responsibility.
Muffy: Er... Francine, I don't know if you could handle all the campaigning and listening to the "people." I think you'd actually be really good behind the scenes. You'd be a perfect campaign manager.
Francine: You think so?
Muffy: Absolutely.
Binky: I think the whole thing is lame.
Arthur: I think it's pretty interesting.
Buster: Hey, why don't you run, Arthur? You'd be a great president.
Arthur: Really?
Buster: Everyone likes you-- you could win.
Muffy: (laughs) You're joking, right?
Arthur looks at Muffy.
***
Cut to Mr. Ratburn's class.
Mr. Ratburn: Class, we have our first candidate.
Muffy: I know you've all been waiting, so I'm making it official: I'm running for president.
Buster: (raises hand) I nominate Arthur for president.
Arthur: But...
Mr. Ratburn: Arthur?
The entire class cheers for Arthur. Muffy looks sad.
Buster: Come on, I will help you.
Class: (chanting) Arthur, Arthur!
Arthur: Oh... okay.
The class cheers. Muffy makes an angry face.
***
At the school cafeteria, Arthur, Brain, Buster, and Binky are eating at the same table.
Buster: I guess you have to write a speech, Arthur.
Binky: How about, "Four score and six years ago, I decided to become president, so vote for me!" (laughs)
Arthur: I don't think so.
Brain: You need organization, Arthur. Political campaigns are staffed by professionals and well-financed.
Buster: Relax, all you need are a few good jokes.
Muffy, Francine and Sue Ellen sit at another table.
Muffy: How exciting-- our first strategy meeting. Are you writing, Francine? Sue Ellen, I need slogan ideas-- something better than "Muffy for President." Catchy, think "catchy." Francine, we have to brainstorm about pinpointing hot-button school issues.
Francine: Hot-button issues? Okay...
Muffy: Sue Ellen, make an appointment with my salon for a "power" hairdo. I need something presidential.
***
In Mr. Ratburn's class, the students are listening to him giving a speech.
Mr. Ratburn: The campaign and the debate should not be about personalities, but about important issues. Each candidate should think about what's important to them and the school. (He puts a photo of Thomas Jefferson up on the blackboard.) For example, Thomas Jefferson doubled the country's size when he made the Louisiana Purchase.
Cue imagination sequence from Muffy where she is Thomas Jefferson.
Muffy: Now that I've made the Louisiana Purchase, I want more! First I'll buy Paris-- they have fabulous clothes. After that, Italy-- they have the most expensive and beautiful shoes in the whole world...
Imagination sequence ends.
Mr. Ratburn: And Teddy Roosevelt's plan to keep world peace was "Speak softly and carry a big stick." (He puts a photo of Teddy Roosevelt up on the blackboard.)
Cue imagination sequence from Binky where he's Teddy Roosevelt, making a speech to three people.
Binky: All you have to do is: (whispering) speak softly... (normal voice) and carry a big stick. (He holds a large stick in his left hand.) It's easy.
The three people clap for him, and the imagination sequence ends.
Mr. Ratburn: And who can forget our 31st President, Herbert Hoover, who promised "a chicken in every pot"? (He hangs a poster of Herbert Hoover up on the blackboard.)
Cue imagination sequence from Buster where he imagines himself as Herbert Hoover, giving a speech to a crowd of people.
Buster: As your president, I ask you: Why'd the chicken cross the stovetop? To hop into this pot! (He takes a toy chicken out of a pot and shows it to the crowd. Someone in the crowd is heard coughing.) Yeesh, tough crowd.
Imagination sequence ends.
***
Outside the school, Francine is about to leave, and Arthur runs after her.
Arthur: Hey, Francine, want to come to the Sugar Bowl?
Francine: Sure.
Muffy: Francine Frensky, no talking to the enemy! (She drags Francine away from Arthur.) We have a 4:00 photo session.
***
At Arthur's House, he is talking with Buster in the kitchen, who is reading a joke book.
Arthur: I can't believe how mean Muffy was.
Buster: She needs to lighten up. She's just excited about pretending to be a politician. Okay, how about this one? What did one eye say to the other? "Don't look now, but between us, something smells." (laughs)
D.W.: (walks into the kitchen) Arthur, you're not even funny. Why would anyone vote for you?
Arthur: I'm not listening to you, D.W. (hums)
D.W.: So, if you were president, what would you change at the school?
Arthur: Well, I don't know yet. Now leave me alone.
D.W.: Boy, you're in trouble. What about your campaign colors?
Arthur: (sing-song) I can't hear you.
D.W.: (points at Arthur) Yellow and blue? No, too boring. (looks down at her outfit) I've got it! Pink and white!
Arthur: D.W., relax. It's just a little class election. There won't be any posters or anything like that.
***
Arthur and Buster are looking at Muffy's campaign posters in the school hallway.
Buster: "When Times are Dire, Vote Crosswire!"
Arthur: "It's the cafeteria, silly. For better lunches, Vote for Muffy"?
Buster: "Not a Tuffy, Vote for Muffy!"
Muffy: (talking to George and Maria) Good morning. Have a button. Please, vote for me.
Arthur and Buster look at each other and then approach Muffy.
Muffy: So, Arthur, how's your campaign going? I'm really looking forward to having a debate in front of everyone!
Arthur: (nervously) Yeah, sure, a debate.
Muffy: Good morning, Buster. Have a button. Gives a "Vote for Muffy" button to Buster. You look fabulous today!
***
In Mr. Ratburn's class, Muffy is sitting at her desk looking proud.
Mr. Ratburn: Muffy has certainly kicked off her campaign with style. Very nice posters and buttons. I'm sure Arthur has some big plans of his own.
Arthur: (gulps)
Buster: (whispering to Arthur) Don't worry, I have three new jokes.
Arthur: Forget it. We need to get some real campaign plans... fast.
***
At Arthur's House, Arthur, Brain, Buster, and D.W. are making campaign posters. Buster takes several photos of Arthur in different poses. D.W. is shown gluing one of them to a campaign poster, and Brain looks at one of the finished poster in satisfaction.
***
At school, Arthur's campaign posters have been hung up in the hallway, and Buster hangs up one more. After that, he and Arthur look at them for a brief moment before running off.
Arthur: Hi, how are you doing? I hope you'll vote for me.
Muffy hands out muffins. She now has a grown-up looking hairdo.
Muffy: Vote Muffy for free muffins. That's right, every morning-- Muffy and muffins, get it? Vote for me! I mean, look at my great campaign buttons, and then look at Arthur's inferior little leaflets. It's all about quality! Vote for Arthur, he'll bring his dog to school and it'll make a huge mess. Do we want Pooper Scoopers in our school? It's your choice-- Arthur or Muffy?
Arthur: Hey, that's not fair!
Muffy: You think politics are fair!? You're so naive. Oh, good morning, Mr. Ratburn, sir. Free muffin from Muffy?
Mr. Ratburn: Ooh, don't mind if I do. (He takes a muffin from Muffy and takes a bite out of it.)
Arthur: Do you think she's right?
Buster: (mouth full) Mm... I don't know, Arthur. Maybe she's onto something. He is also eating a muffin.
***
In Mr. Ratburn's class, Arthur and Muffy are standing behind their campaign podiums.
Mr. Ratburn: Before we begin the debate, I just want to compliment our candidates on running such clean-- and in Muffy's case, tasty-- campaigns. And now, on to the debate!
Brain: Candidates, please expound upon the key issues of your campaigns.
Arthur: Uh, if you elect me president, I think the most important issues are... cleaner school grounds, a "fun-raiser" to buy more books for the school library... a "fun-raiser," get it? A little joke there.
Buster: (laughs)
Arthur: Another issue is more really good school assemblies and field trips.
Muffy: When you elect me president, I will make sure this school gets: better lighting in the girls' bathrooms-- they're so drab. A new playground to replace the ancient one we have now. I mean, hello-o, why can't we have rides out there? And let's face it, we deserve some gourmet food in the cafeteria.
Brain: Candidates, how will you implement your plans?
Arthur: We would work together. It's important that we all pitch in, as one, and learn to cooperate. It can be fun and productive.
Muffy: If I win, no one will have to lift a finger-- my father can pay for it all. After all, he owns Crosswire Motors. "They make the best deals on wheels! Don't walk, RUN, to Crosswire Motors!" At the corner of Fifth...
Mr. Ratburn: Time's up! Excellent give and take. You both pinpointed important school issues. Now, class, you must carefully consider our exciting candidates' positions as you prepare for tomorrow's vote.
Binky: (snoring)
Class: (laughs)
Mr. Ratburn: Binky?
Binky: Exciting candidates? My dirty socks are more exciting than those two!
Mr. Ratburn: Why do you say that, Binky?
Binky: Because they are. I mean, if I were running for president I'd just say, uh, "If elected, no more homework!"
The class cheers in approval, while Muffy shows a look of disapproval.
Binky: And you can eat snacks in class whenever you want to!
Class cheers.
Binky: And you can be absent once a week, no questions asked!
Class cheers.
Mr. Ratburn: Hmm, snacks in class... Perhaps you should consider mounting a write-in campaign, Binky.
Binky: Me?
The class cheers, while Muffy seems surprised.
Mr. Ratburn: Remember, everyone, voting is tomorrow! Muffy and Arthur, please stay for a moment. I think it would be appropriate to add Binky Barnes to the ballot.
Muffy: What?! He's late, and loud, and unfit to be president. Plus, we can't encourage his preposterous ideas! I'm very opposed to letting him run. I'm sure Arthur agrees.
Arthur: Well, I don't know. It's a free country, and anyone can run, right?
Muffy: (stomps foot) Free country! I spent a lot on this campaign and I'm not going to let some big buffoon bully his way into this election! It's not fair if Binky gets to run! It's just...
Mr. Ratburn: Binky does have as much right as you do, Muffy. That's what democracy is all about. Binky Barnes is on the ballot.
Muffy: This is all your fault! If you had any backbone you would've agreed with me.
***
In the hallway, Muffy is giving out free muffins to other kids.
Muffy: Vote for me today, you'll get free muffins every day! Vote Muffy, Eat Muffins.
***
In class, Mr. Ratburn is counting the votes on his desk.
Mr. Ratburn: Well, class, the democratic process has proven itself once again to be wonderful, exciting, and often full of surprises. The winner is Binky Barnes!
Binky: Wha...?!
The class cheers.
Binky: Yes! Binky "the Body" Barnes is your new president! From now on, no more homework! Snacks in class, all the time!
Mr. Ratburn: Thank you for your impassioned acceptance. Class dismissed. Uh, Binky, remember, this was a mock election.
Binky: But I'm still in charge, right?
Mr. Ratburn: Let's review the meaning of the word "mock." No, you are not really the president.
Arthur: I think Binky deserved to win.
Buster: Yeah, his ideas were pretty good.
Muffy: How can you say that?! No one took this election seriously. What do I have to do to win around here?
Binky: Loyal subjects, lunch and recess only for the rest of the week!
Muffy: I was the best candidate. I spent the most money, gave out muffins. It's not fair! I'm mad at you, Arthur, for saying it was okay for Binky to run, and I won't forget this, ever!
Buster: I told you Muffy takes things way too seriously.
Arthur: I hope she never loses a real election. (He and Buster leave the classroom.)
Mr. Ratburn: Binky, it's not practical to allow pro-wrestling matches to be shown on TV's in each classroom all day!
Binky: (groans in protest)