The Frensky Family Fiasco/Transcript

The episode starts with the opening theme, except with Francine in place of Arthur.

Theme Song: "Everyday when you're walking down the street, and everybody that you meet has an original point of view. And I say..."

Arthur isn't pleased with this and interrupts the show opening.

Arthur: Hey, what's going on? Stop the show! Theme song is paused. Francine, what are you doing?

Francine: Relax. Everything's under control. Start the music again! (theme song plays again)

Theme Song: "Everyday when you're walking down the street..."

Arthur: No! Cut! Stop! (theme song is paused again) You can't do the opening of the show!

Francine: Why not? (jumps off the template) Why do you get to do every show opening? Let someone else do it.

D.W.: She's right. And we should change the name of the show. Arthur's too long. How about D.W.? She pulls Pal off the template.

Buster: Let's call it Buster, and give me an alien sidekick!

Francine: You be quiet! You already have your own show.

D.W.: D.W.'s a perfect name! It's short and snappy.

Buster: They're just initials. No one even knows what they stand for.

D.W.: They stand for Dora Winifred. But if you tell anyone, you'll be sorry.

Arthur: On this show, we're one big, happy family.

Francine: She grunts. Can't there be one single episode where we don't mention aliens?

Arthur: But sometimes even families have trouble agreeing on the simplest things. Like in this next episode—

Binky: Of “The Binky Show”, the greatest show on Earth! MOVE IT! Roll tape!

Title Card: Family Photo

It then goes to Mr. Ratburn's class watching a video, where two baboons are shown in the wild grooming each other.

Narrator: The two sisters reinforce their strong family ties by grooming one another.

Francine: Ich! You couldn't pay me to eat something out of Catherine's hair!

Narrator: But for these baboons, family isn't just a source of comfort. (pans to a lion ready to eat them) It's the key to their very survival.

The lion leaps after them, and the baboons run to a nearby tree. A young baboon stands frozen. Francine and Muffy gasps. At the last moment an adult baboon pulls the young one to safety. Muffy has covered her eyes.

Muffy: Is it over?

Francine: Uh-huh. Don't worry, it lived.

Muffy: Oh, good. I wonder what's for lunch.

Francine: That was one lucky little baboon.

Francine comes home to her apartment.

Francine: Hello? Anyone home?

Laverne: In the kitchen.

Francine: We saw the most amazing video in class today. There were these baboons, and... Ha! What's with the shirt?

Laverne: It's my bowling night, remember? You know I've been averaging at 188? Not bad for your old mom, huh? Just pop this lasagna in the microwave when you're ready to eat. Your father's out biking. Wish me luck! (kisses Francine on the forehead)

Francine: Good luck! Catherine? Catherine!

Catherine: I'm on the phone!

Francine turns on the TV, only to find a Chicken Lickin commercial.

Beauregard Poulet: Mmm...doesn't dinner taste better when you eat it as a family? That why I, Beauregard Poulet, am offering my family-sized Bottomless Bunk of the Drumsticks! Oh, we are family, as close as we can be. It's as easy as 1,2,3, to be a FA-MI-LY!

• Francine: (sighs)

The Frenskys sit at the table.

Francine: This family is falling apart. We never spend any time together, even baboons are closer than we are.

Catherine: You're over-reacting. Can we help it if some of us have lives?

Oliver: Actually, I think Francine has a point. It wouldn't hurt to spend a little more time together.

Francine: Exactly! That's why I'm proposing the Frensky Family Night. One night a week we'll eat together, talk, and do something fun. How about Tuesdays? Oliver: Works for me. Laverne: Tuesdays are good. Catherine: But Tuesdays are when Tami and I go to the mall. Francine: Are you saying that you'd rather spend more time with your friends than your own flesh and blood? Catherine is having a daydream of her at the beach with her friends. Catherine: Woohoo! Par-ty! Next, she's imagining the Family sitting at the kitchen table playing cards. Catherine: Any 8's? Oliver: (sighs) Go Fish. (starts snoring) Catherine snaps back into reality. Catherine: Well to be honest... (Her mom gives her an angry look.) Okay, okay, Tuesday's fine.

(It then goes to the first Frensky Family Night, where everyone's eating Japanese food at a restaurant.)

• Francine: I can't eat this. It's raw.
• Laverne: It's supposed to be raw, honey, it's sushi. Mmm...this eel is delicious.
• Francine: Why couldn't we have Chinese?
• Oliver: Because we all agreed that we'd flip a coin to see who got to decide what we'd do for our first Family Night.
• Catherine: And I won, so eat up!
• Francine: (sighs) Maybe it won't be so bad if I put this guacamole on it.
• Catherine: Francine, no, that's not guacamole, that's wasabi!
• Francine: Wasabi? (with food in her mouth)
• Catherine: It's like very, very hot mustard!
• (Francine looks around the table, grabs a bottle and drinks it.)
• Oliver: And that's soy sauce!
• (Francine holds her hands in front of her mouth and runs off.
• ***

(Later that evening the family watches TV.)

• Francine: I still say watching a dorky reality show doesn't count as a Family Night activity.
• Catherine: StarCast is the most popular show in the country! And this is the finale!
• Francine: (phone rings) I'll get it! This is way too much excitement for me anyway.
• Catherine:Oh, this is the best part, when Horace judges them. Hurry back!  
• Francine: Hello? (Muffy is doing her toenails on the other end.)
• Muffy: Hi Francine. Are you watching StarCast?
• Francine: Yeah, but only because I have to. It's family night and Catherine's in charge.
• Muffy: Oh, we do that too. Every Friday we all cook dinner and play charades, it's my favorite night of the week.
• Francine: You play games? That's a great idea!
• Oliver: Francine, you're missing the best part!
• Francine: Be there in a sec! Tell me more!
• StarCast Judge: Finally, your solo sounded like someone shaving a sick hyena. (audience gasps) But,everyone loved your hair, so Flex McGintey, you are the winner! (audience cheers and claps, Catherine turns the TV off.)
• Francine: What'd I miss?
• Catherine: Not much. Just the biggest upsetting in musical history! Nice of you to join us!
• Laverne: The person she was rooting for lost.
• Oliver: Who was on the phone?
• Francine: Muffy. I tried to get off, but she wouldn't let me.
• Oliver: Okay, but we all have to participate in each other's night. That was the deal, remember?
• Francine: I know,I know. But next week is gonna be great! I got it all planned out!

(Francine is at the supermarket buying food.)

(Francine watches Mrs. MacGrady in the school kitchen making a pizza. She attempts to do the same and the dough falls on her face.)

(Francine weeds the community garden. Fritz Langley gives her a bag of vegetables.)

(Francine searches the attic and pulls out a game called Megalopolis. She blows the dust off.)

(Francine makes pizza at home while the family watches.)

• Francine: And then, I thought we could all take a quarter of the pizza and put what we want on it!
• Catherine: But there are only meat toppings! I'm a vegetarian, remember?
• Francine: I thought you may say that! (reaches for the bag of vegetables Fritz gave her) Here, and they're all organic. Just keep your broccoli away from my pepperoni.

(It then goes to them watching the pizza cook in the oven.)

• Catherine: It smells amazing! You know, I hate to admit it, but cooking together is actually kind of fun!
• Francine: I know! (squirts ketchup in a salad) Hey, maybe we could open up a restaurant!
• Catherine: What are you doing? 
• Francine: Making Russian dressing. See? It's just ketchup and mayonnaise. I do it all the time at school.
• Catherine: That's disgusting, no one's going to touch that! (The pizza starts to burn. The parents, who are setting the table, sniff. ) Haven't you ever heard of cholesterol? 
• Francine: Yeah, and it tastes a lot better than seaweed.
• Oliver: Kids, kids! Something's burning! 
• (He then takes the pizza out of the oven.)
• Oliver: So, who's hungry for a little manhole cover?

(The Frenskys sit at the table with an empty pizza delivery box.)

• Francine: Our pizza would’ve been much better, but this was still pretty good.
• Laverne: So Frankie, what do you have in store for the rest of the evening?
• (Francine places Megalopolis on the table.)
• Catherine: Megalopolis? You can't be serious! That was already old when I was eight!
• Oliver: This is Francine's family night Catherine. She's the boss.
• Francine: And I get to be banker!
• (It then skips to them playing the game.)
• Francine: (groans) Not again.
• Catherine: Palomino Place, I own it. And with 4 condos and a skyscraper on it, you owe me...675 dollars.
• Francine: (sighs) I have to get some change. (trades some of her cash for some 20's)
• Catherine: Hey! You just gave yourself an extra 20!
• Francine: I did not!
• Catherine: Did too, let me count it!
• Francine: (knocks off some game money, the lid of the box, and a couple of game pieces.) Look at what you made me do!
• Catherine: Oh,so it's my fault you're a crooked banker?!
• Oliver: Kids, kids, settle down. Here, you can both have 20 bucks from me.
• Laverne: You said you didn't have any money! That's why you didn't pay me when you landed on my shipping lines!
• Oliver: Oh, um, well this was my reserve.
• Laverne: Your reserve? Oliver, you're setting a terrible example for the kids.
• (Francine and Catherine start arguing in the background. Meanwhile, Nemo starts to show interest in the plastic mouse on the board.)
• Oliver: I forgot it was sitting in my pocket! Anyway, it's just a game!
• Francine: The only reason you're winning is because you landed twice on the Pot of Gold square!
• Catherine: If you're not going to play by the rules then —
• Oliver: Kids, you're taking this way too seriously!
• (Nemo then jumps on the playing board, messes it up, and runs off with the plastic mouse while everyone gasps in shock.)
• Francine: Maybe having a family night wasn't such a good idea after all.
• Catherine: I suggest that this be officially the last one. Any objections?

(Laverne and Oliver stare at each other while the scene fades to Francine and Catherine sleeping. Seconds later, it then cuts to a dream replicating the video Francine watched in Mr. Ratburn’s class, except with the Frenskys as the baboons.)

Narrator: The two sisters reinforce their strong family ties by grooming one another.

Catherine (as a baboon): Ow, you're doing it all wrong!

Francine (as a baboon): If you keep moving I can't get the lice out!

Oliver (as a baboon): (screaming and running) LION!

(Catherine and Francine scream and run in the same direction.)

Catherine (as a baboon): I think I should go up the tree first!

Francine (as a baboon): No, me, me!

Oliver (as a baboon): Calm down! We'll flip a coin!

Laverne (as a baboon): We don't have coins, we’re baboons! (All four struggle with each other to get up the tree. A large shadow falls on them.)

Narrator: Unfortunately, for these Frenskys, their family ties are not strong enough to save them.

Francine wakes up panting. She then looks at her bowling shirt and Catherine’s bowling shirt, soon getting an idea. It then goes to them bowling, where Francine gets a strike.

Francine: YES!

Catherine: Nice one, squirt. And that puts us at 155. We are now officially crushing you guys.

Oliver: We’re playing best out of three. That's plenty of time for a comeback.

Francine: (picks up bowling ball) If you're wondering if this is an official Family Night, it isn't. We don't have one anymore. It was a good idea, but it just wasn't for us.

Laverne: Hey, we’re not getting any younger out here, go already!

Francine: Now, we just bowl! bowls the ball, presumably getting another strike.